From the Vaults - There is this boy - A Week later

a week later...

I know you all and will a while uphold the lazy nature of your idleness; you don’t know what you don’t know and your inquisitiveness is small. A façade is a façade and nothing needs to change for change sake. I can play the pied piper; it is a role I’ve learnt well. You are too easy to fool, as I have been – not knowing, what I didn’t want to know. From now, I will smile as brightly as the sun and I will hide my guilt in the clouds.

Alex, I have a strange sense of ownership over you. You joke and I smile. I can see it in your eyes, the way you look at me. Nobody else sees me want you.

I’ve feared it for a long time, tried to run away from it. Felt sick about it. But when we did it, despite your enthusiasm, despite your strength, you freaked out more than me. I was the strong one, I think that made me feel good.

Would it be different than with a girl, I don’t know?

Alex’s body was hard; his hands, his lips, his intent, just seemed so right. It might be the green field always looks greener syndrome. You always want what you can’t have and that sort of stuff. But, there was no nervousness in our fumbling, my fumbling, in fact, no fumbling at all. Just touch. Just being.

Just relief, at the final outcome.

Occasionally and it will be fine, you and me. It doesn’t mean anything. I’m not a poof. And while I’m young… guys know what guys like. When I’m married, then it would all have to be different. I will change.

I know nothing else, but the life I have. Big fish, small pond. My naivety keeps me grounded. I need to travel, see the world.

Tear me a part, it couldn’t be true. I just have to try a little harder, for a glorious, normal future.