Day 3 - Feel Like Me

Day three, maybe I do feel like me? I'm hanging on, taking this seriously, thinking, I don't want to be that person to whom the doctor says, We found something on your lung, we'd like to do a biopsy...

Thick head, temper sped; from calm to furious in the blink of an eye. I think it gets easier, every time I try; I feel okay, don't want to cry. I don't want to kill. I don't want to fall to my knees and scream!

Josh went out drinking with Shane and Mark W, last night, interestingly coming to the same inescapable conclusion that Mark W. is just pain boring. You know, there's a really good reason why Shane fell for Matt; not so many good reasons why Shane dumped Matt (instead of Mark W.) when Mark W. laid down the law. I didn't go out, I hid away in my room and watched the Golden Globes. Still baby steps. Keep out of harms way and all that.

My mind is still at the playing tricks stage. I think about a smoke when I've finished my lunch. I reach for my packet as I leave the building at the end of the day. It still smells good as I walk through somebody else's exhale.

I think I might go and eat something soon, just a carrot, or lettuce, or bread...

... this should be my mantra...

...I don't want to grab my enemy around the neck and squeeze until they are dead.

Well, no more than any other, normal, day.

I didn't think twice before ripping down the new shower curtain covered in ducks that Josh had put up. I threw it on his bed with a note saying, Get Fucked! Put the other - clear - shower curtain back up. I wasn't having that for a millisecond!

I feel pretty good, to tell you the truth.

I think, maybe, it does get easier every time I try.