Onward

It's Friday night in and Big Brother and fish and chips, me, Shane and Matt. David has a date, some guy he met in Smith Street.

David dumped Mark because he wanted to be single and has promptly taken up with this new guy, Peter. I'm wondering, from the little bit I know, if I had a thing with Peter, some time ago. It will be interesting when and if he comes over for the first time. He's short and a bottom with average looks, but really hot sex.

Last night, David took him over a cake with a candle, and the promise of sex, for his birthday.

The lounge room was filled with bags, like a department store sale.

Matt has been on a spending spree, buying sex toys. Shane speaks with barely controlled anticipation about Matt's purchases, all the time feigning surprise at the extent of Matt's excess. I'm not sure who is shoving things up who, in that relationship. Historically, it was always Shane on the receiving end - I hold up my little finger - and Matt is Italian, you do the maths. But increasingly, I've been hearing about Matt getting the fist.

I lie back on the couch and gaze at the fire, as Joel gets disqualified and think I'm going to have to go out looking, if I want sex. No more Greek boy on tap. Bugger!

Oh, I'm going to have to go out and find myself a new guy, it suddenly dawns on me. Oh Manny, if only. I feel sad. His sweet smile. I'm going to have to go do the clubs, hunt one down, even just for a cuddle. Oh, all that walking. One with a life, with things to do. That was the trouble with Manny, because he didn't, actually, do any thing, he just wanted to make me his life, 24/7. I resisted the adulation, I just wanted to be equal with someone. I guess, we wanted different things. But, it only seems like yesterday that he was at the locker next mine at the sauna, asking me if I was going to use my coat hanger, so sweetly. We just smiled at each other and four years slipped by.

Damn! I'd better brush off my gaydar profile. New photos, I guess.

David says I should ask the universe for a new guy.

David says you should put positive energy, in the form of what you want, out into the universe, to manifest your own reality. I'm sure he would put it better than that. But, basically, you have to ask the universe so it will provide. We picked a destiny card, David's latest addiction, (Shane, Matt and I have decided to mix the ten {so far} packs together and evenly distribute them between the boxes) and I got forgiveness, when my question had been, Will I meet someone nice soon, to replace Manny? (You see, I can do fourteen year old girl with the best of them. There were candles and incense burning) My first thought was that I had no one to forgive, so confused I asked, Could that mean myself? Which David took to mean, definitively, that I had some thing troubling me that I had to forgive myself for. And really, I was just at a loss as to what it meant, clutching at straws, some may say. So now I have to find some thing to forgive myself for, so the universe can be realigned.

But I digress...

I want a 30 some thing boy, with his head screwed on, his life on track, handsome, smart... you know, the minimum.

Laid back is good. One that likes to kiss and cuddle and hang out. One who smiles a lot.

What I have learned from Manny, the next one has to have a car. That was a deal breaker for me, it always having to be me going over to his place, because I was the one with the car. Sounds stupid now, hey? But it gave me the shits in the end, so I started to resist. No, you put some energy in, Manny and you turn up at my place once in a while.