Swamp Monster

We work with a finance accountant who nobody likes. My colleague calls her Vinegar Tits. I call her Acid Drops.

She came in during the morning and said that she had a sore back because she had emptied out her pond on the weekend.

I smiled sweetly and said dead pan, “Oh really, so where did you sleep?”


There was a pause, when the world seemed to stop momentarily, that is the moment that I love. That millisecond of potential chaos where it could go either way, but didn’t. Acid Drops looked a little surprised, big eyes, mouth like a fruit loop.

Then I laughed.

And then she laughed, kind of nervously.

Then everybody laughed. Aren’t I funny everybody thought.

“Aren’t you funny,” she said. (And I learnt something that Acid Drops may, actually, have a sense of humour)

It is amazing what you can say if you just make a joke of it. You can get away with just about anything. Of course, they all think I am lovely. I’m on my best behaviour when I am in the office, naturally.

I think the key was that I didn’t add “swamp monster”, or anything like that to the end of my question to Vinegar Tits. The fat, moody cow, everyone hates her. I’m just smart enough to say it in such a way that they all think I am being awfully amusing.

How Do You Think Um, Harmonising The Polls Goes?

Abbott and his government were one of the most hated in Australian history after they had bought out their first budget. They'd fucked it up completely with their incompetence. So what do you think Abbott did it? How do you think it went? 

Do you think Abbott called up Lay.

"Ken, Ken, I'm… I’m… I’m having a little trouble in the po… po… polls."

"Yes, well, Tony it was that terrible budget you bought in."

"Ha a a a a a. I need a distraction, I need something to take my shitty budget off the… off the front page. You must have some of those loser, ah, er, mussos in your sights."

"Yes, Tony I do."

"Could you round a few up, make a show of it? Take a whole lot of your men. Make it a big ah… big ah… big ah… make it big."

"Yes, well, what about those new men I asked for?"

"Yes Ken, Ken, Ken, no ah, no ah, ah, problem. Anything you want."

"Okay, no problem, Tony. Do you need it this week?"

"Ah yes, ah yes, this week, yes. Good, we’re on life support. Ha a a a a. And ah, Ken, I reckon film it and we'll give it, give it straight to Rupert. I don’t want to have to rely on any of those lefty rat bag ABC Journos who are always squawking about transparency."

"I get my new men, Tony and you can consider it done."

"And Ken. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah if you could kill one, that would make it all the more believable."

"No problem, you know how trigger happy the boys are with the excitement of them immanently getting new powers.”


“Ah good. Ha a a a a a.”

Lick My Arse, Boy, I Made You Prime Minister

So, can you picture 83 year old Rupert Murdoch - I see black socks and a white singlet, pasty flaking skin, varicose veins outlining saggy skin - down on all fours, his ball sack hanging to his knees like spent elastic, with Tony Abbott dressed only in red speedos, pasty white skin, his back covered in patchy black hair, pulling his tiny dick, hanging from his budgie smugglers, as he slides his wet face repeatedly into the octogenarian's split beaver, as Rupert calls breathlessly, "Further in Tony, further in, I'm... I'm... I'm... nearly there." Pant pant pant. "Do to me what you have done to the Australian people, Tony!" Pant pant pant.


Maybe, I am the only one who can get that mental image? He, he, he, he. I find it cathartic, to tell you the truth.

What Was Once the Lucky Country

Does everyone realise that not only will the legislation being passed by the (one term Liberal) government this week allow ASIO to spy on you at any time for any reason in any capacity ASIO decides that it wants to spy on you, it will also ban you from visiting certain countries. The government will only allow you to visit the countries it thinks are suitable for you to visit. Did everybody realise this?


Please don't give me that tired old line, "If you haven't done anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about," because I will counter that with the name of every Royal Commission into police corruption there has been, and there has been many.

Abbott and his team of despicable big business pawns - Rupert told Tony Abbott to lick his arse and the only thing Tony Abbott asked was, Is my tongue in far enough, Mr Murdoch? - have played the national security card because, with the show terrorist emergencies, because, let's face it, they have fucked up everything else. It is the only thing left for them that they look likely to have any success with. And to facilitate their only hope of retaining power, the Australian people have now lost their freedom and their right to travel the world freely. Does everybody realise that?

Walk Instead of the Great Doom and Gloom

I go walking now, instead of watching the news. I recommend that everybody do it. Go and see the world, rather than listening to how it is falling apart. 

You know, my opinion of the news now a days, Relax, it may never fucken happen. Switch the news off, that's what I say. And if you watch Media Watch, half of the news isn't true anyway. The worst thing that ever happened to the news was it being included in the ratings.

So, I go walking instead now. And I've got a great reminder, alarm, if you like. I don't need Outlook, or iPhone, or a smart watch, reoccurring events, or not, I've have Sam.

"Aren't you supposed to be going for a walk?"

"Um... er... oh..." I reply.

"Move your arse fat boy!"

It's lovely. I walk through the Exhibition Gardens, world heritage and all, watch the cute uni students at Melbourne Uni, laugh at the cars stuck in peak hour traffic in Elgin Street as I catch up to them and over take them and leave them behind, watching the day fade away to evening, before my very eyes, without noticing it fade away at all.


And I get dinner cooked for me while I am out. Although, it's not all beer and skittles as I have to clean the kitchen after Sam has used every pot and pan in the kitchen, as cooks who don't clean do, which is really annoying. I guess not as annoying as having your leg bitten off by a shark, or getting harpooned up the arse, but annoying enough.

Who doesn't like a nice arse crack?

I followed a guy on my way home on a bike who had the most perfect bum crack, pretty and perfect. His jeans slid down enough and his shirt rode up enough to give a perfect window onto his love crack.

I never understand why people, often women as much as men, turn up their nose, or pull a face, or say such sight is disgusting. You can understand straight men and, I guess, gay men have a special, maybe unique, relationship with arse cracks, but, woman are supposed to fancy men's bums too. Aren't they?

I so wanted to grab him off his bike hold him by the cheeks and push him face first into the nature strip and slide my tongue inside him... lick his nature strip. I quite like hairy cracks, although I don't like too much hair covering his cheeks, certainly not long hair, a fine down is okay, I guess.

Have him bent over the bonnet of my car. It is a tricky position to get them in, but it is good when you do. Legs spread, back arched. A lasso and handcuffs, if necessary. Ha ha.

That's how pretty it was. Sliding his undies down. Rubbing my nose in his fur. Smelling the sweat. Tasting his scent. 2nd knuckle in deep, in depth.

I've always been an arse man.

Shake of the head. Back to the real world. Concentrate on the road, Christian. Both eyes on the road. He continued straight ahead, as I turned left.

The afternoon sun sparkled. The sky shone blue. Everybody was driving home. 

We Can't Believe a Word Prime Minister Abbott Says

800 police raided 27 properties in two cities last week because of the immanent threat of multiple terror strikes and public beheadings and guess how many people were arrested and then how many were charged? 


Two were arrested and one was charged.

Let me just say that again, just in case you missed it. 800 police. 27 properties. 2 cities. 1 person charged.


Why all of that fire power? Do you think they wanted people to notice? I reckon if it was a real arrest, they could sent around 2 constables in a paddy wagon to pick the ONE guy up.


So are we to believe that this one person, possibly two, was going to cause havoc across two states? This one person, possibly 2, was going to blow up two cities and then go a beheading rampage?

Or do we believe the whole terror thing is all another big fat Abbott lie just to add to every other thing that Abbott has lied about?

I know which I believe. Prime Minister Abbott has never told the truth.

And after weeks of national security stuff, vilifying muslims, and putting fear into the population, One Term Tony is back at the top of the polls.

And here's a fun fact, the police filmed it all and released their own footage to the public, so no independent journalists were needed.

Gay Rights

The difference between Christianity and homosexuality.

Homosexuality is honest and real. Christianity is a myth and a refuge for the deluded.

Homosexuals want the right to live freely and equally with everybody else.

Christians want everyone to live according to what they believe.

Religion is failing, becoming more and more irrelevant.

Homosexuality is succeeding, becoming more mainstream... so much so that more straight boys and girls are willing to admit they have given it a go.

There aren't many people saying they tried religion and liked it. There aren't many saying they kissed a priest and liked it.

I think the groups that will survive and flourish in the "popularity wars" in the future are those who can live and let live. Religion needs to modernise or die. I reckon the gays have got it in the bag, public opinion has shifted. Religion will only look small and petty and out dated if it can't move into the 21st century with every one else. Come on religious freaks, you could still play an important social role, if you could just give up the hating.

Okay, so developing countries need to catch up, but they will. And Russia? It is a corrupt country run by a criminal, so it may take a bit longer. The basket case countries like Uganda may take forever.

India? What the hell happened with you this year?

Fat Girl Driving

I just saw a humungous woman in black covered in sequins, which made her look like a pin cushion stuck with pins, which is really unusual because the humungous woman in black covered in sequins in Fitzroy don’t usually come out until midnight, 3am. So I noticed her straight away. She was so fat that the features in her face were long since lost, distended, stretched beyond any thing anyone would reasonably call human.. 

She got into a tiny, bright yellow car, which almost made her look like some kind of crazed bumblebee, or death in a sunshine prison, I almost expected her to ooze out the window openings. As she went to sit in the driver’s seat she almost lost her balance, her eyes shot open and resembled boiled lollies on sticks, but she never looked in danger of losing her grip on the McDonald’s thick shake she had in her right hand. 

As she sat, the small Hyundai tipped sideways like those cars in the cartoons when the fat lady sits in them. The car sailed off down my street making the noise of the washing cart from Thoroughly Modern Millie. If someone had said, “Shoo shou, shoo shou,” I wouldn’t have been surprised. Or was that the springs mimicking Little Toot? “I think I can, I think I can.” I could see that she had to continually over correct the steering wheel to the left to stop the car heading around in a circle, as she drove past. I kid you not. 

Sam thinks I am wicked re-telling this story, but it simply made me laugh.

It would be kind of nice to be able to look at your partner in such a way some 30 years after death

Saturday Saturday

It was a lovely day, the sun shone, the sky was blue. Sam announced early in the morning that it was a shopping day. 

"Get ready," he said. "We are heading to town." We had sushi train for lunch. 

We bought t-shirts 70% off in Bourke Street. I bought two new work shirts, one black, one maroon check, as I am sick of feeling the "same old blue" in the office. (that is not exactly true, but I do seem to have a lot of blue shirts at the moment) We picked up groceries in Russell Street. 


I had some idea of looking for a new phone deal, mine runs out in a little over a month, but all of those people wanting to prostrate themselves at the feet of Apple for the iPhone 6, for fashion, got in the way. Sam lined up on "the morning" days ago, naturally. (He got the iPhone 6 plus) I don't really care, I'm very happy with my 5S. I can wait until the brouhaha quietens down. I only text, as all my friends know, (I don't want to talk to any of them) so a new deal shouldn't be too hard to pull off. Let's face it, phones are just silly. Or is that people? Whichever? Still, it was a lovely day. Crisp and bright.

Oh yes, I had a haircut. A few years back when my haircuts went from $50 to $60 I baulked (actually, it was because I kept getting passed off to the fat apprentice, which I was complicit in as I kept ringing for a haircut at the last minute, however) and I went to the barber and got it for $20, recently rising to $25. Today I got it for $10. Hairdressers are cunts, lets face it, they should be deported with the terrorists.


It was a lovely day, though. Sunny and warm. And Saturday. You've got to love Saturday, as it is always followed by Sunday.

And Here is Three of the Worst

We treat people badly and then we are surprised when they act badly

If you cut the dole even for only six months, if you price people out of education, especially those people from lower socio economic back grounds, if you make health care relatively more expensive for the less well off people, if you freeze, cut, or lower the basic wage, if you allow industries to slide away assigning many young men to unemployment, if you allow society to become more unjust and you promote policies that make society more inequitable, if you only govern for the wealthy to make them richer than they are, if you treat the displaced with disregard, or worse, manipulate them for your own gain, you will get more disgruntled young men wanting to fight against the world. You will create more disenfranchised young people who will travel to other countries to participate in war.

A Couple Of Disgruntled Militia With A Rocket Launcher

One of the girl’s at work said she wished that I could stay at the company I am presently working at. They think that I am much more fun than the person I am replacing who is in Europe on holidays.

"Is there anyway you can stay?" she asked. None of the girls in the office really like the person for whom I am filling in. Three don't, one does. I work in an office of girls.

“All we need is a couple of disgruntled militia with a rocket launcher," I said. "And I’d be happy to stay.”

The girl's in the office eyes widened noticeably and they all laughed nervously.

“Too soon?” I asked.

They laughed some more.

Say anything, do anything to keep and retain power Abbott

Shake Your Torpedo

According to ninemsn, Ricky Martin has been subsiding in Australia for part of the year... (actual wording)

I wonder if that hurts? Do you think he'd be going one leg at a time? Gout then Gangrene? You know, listing like the Costa Concordia at midnight? Melting into the ground one foot at a time. Can you imagine the skin on his feet bursting and his raw flesh being eaten by beetles and spiders and ants. His nails popping off with the worms pushing through. Half man, half earth mound. Flesh like dust, bones like a tinned sardine, dissolving downwards.

I'd believe that before I believed that he was fucking Ian Thorpe? Really? Who believed that? Why would one of the world's most handsome men settle for, well, lets face it, Ian Thorpe is... (oh, I know I am being mean) not getting, um, prettier with age. I reckon it points towards somebody messing around with plastic surgery.

"Put the Botox down Ian, it is not helping."

not attractive, like a Latin heartthrob

Too mean?

Well, quite possibly.

I certainly don't mean to be... er... um...

Is Tony Abbott the most disgraceful Australian politician ever?

Prime Minister Tony Abbott has raised Australia's public terror threat from 'medium' to 'high' to boost his ranking in the polls. It is that simple. There have been no threats made against Australia by anybody. There is no intelligence to suggest that anybody is planning to attack Australia. 

When you have failed politically, hit the national security button, it is a sure thing. There is nothing this despicable man won't do to save his politic career? 

I am reminded of the words of Malcolm Fraser, the elder statesman of Tony Abbott's own political party, "I think Tony Abbott would say anything and do anything to gain and retain power."

What Would I Have To Do, Said David

My friend David has gone overseas, on one of his frequent overseas trips. Before he left we got talking about the safety of flying, you know, with what has happened in the more recent past. (America poking its nose into any country it chooses foreign policy until all of the west is seen as the enemy)

He was saying that flying is, after all, the safest form of transport.

I was saying that you'd have to be an idiot to fly around about now.

He says he does it all the time, which he does.

I was making rocket launcher sound effects, which was interesting, as I have absolutely no idea what a rocket launcher sounds like. A bang and a lot of whooshing of air, I assume.

David said he had Krishna, or Vishnu, or Shiva, or Lakshmi, his personal favourite, or whoever, on his side. Lilly pads, elephants, twenty arms, whatever nonsense that he believes in to keep him safe.

I asked him if he knew what countries he was, actually, flying over?

He said he didn't.

I grimaced and sucked in a lot of air, shrugged and pulled a face.

"You know I'd come back and prove you wrong."

"Good luck with that."

"No, seriously..."

"Seriously?"

"I'd come back and prove it to you."

"What exactly?"

"That you are wrong that this is it, that there is nothing else."

"Tom said the same thing and since it has been roughly seven years since he died, I'm claiming victory with Tom. Nothing."

"What would it take?" said David.

"What would what take?"

"That you knew it was me and that this is only one of many incarnations?"

"Oh please."

"No, come on, what would I have to do?"

"You can live in this flat-earth fantasy, if you want, but don't try to drag me into it yet again."

"What would it take?"

"What would it take?"

"Yes, what would convince you?"

"Haven't we been through this a million times," I said. "You are as bad as the rest of them. I'm not telling you what to believe, so why are you trying..."

"Come on."

"Okay," I said. "Someone would have to walk right up to me."

"A stranger?"

"A stranger, out of the blue," I said. "I would have to see them walking towards me from a distance, see them approaching with some intension. They would have to walk right up to me, stop in front of me, look me in the eye and say, You were wrong. And then simply walk away."

"Okay then," said David.

"Okay then?"

"That's all."

I laughed.

"You'll see."

"Here's to a rocket launcher and some disgruntled militia, to prove a point."

Joan Rivers

When a prince, a prime minister, and a president, all stop for a moment in their busy lives to tell the world that they are saddened by your death, you know, pretty well, that you made an impression on the world.

Joan Rivers, you were one of the great ones. Fearless, original and fucken funny.

Plan? My Arse!

Melina, at work, was espousing her worldview. As she is want to do. Very definite in her ideas, is Melina. She has one of those nasally accents, to go with it. She's loud. Opinionated, nasally and loud, that is what we are talking about.

“Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything," she said. "Don't you agree, Christian?"

“No, sorry, I don’t agree. Not at all! Life is a collection of random events,” I said. “Of course, you can influence your life with your choices, good choices and bad choices, but essentially there is no meaning, no plan to any of it.”

She was aghast at my thoughts. She was in disbelief, seemingly, that I could think in such away. Wide eyes, big expression, pausing completely still in disbelief, gazing back at me. I concluded by saying that I was simply telling her what I thought, I wasn’t telling her that she should think the same thing.

Then later in the day she, gently, mocked me for my beliefs. “Of course, Christian, doesn’t believe there is a reason for anything,” she seemed to work into most of the conversations for the rest of the day. I could have felt belittled for my thoughts, if hadn't thought is so very boring by late in the day.

This morning, Cat, the other girl in the office, was banging on about how she is feeling since she broke up with her boyfriend, two months ago. She dumped him, he wasn't quite Mr Perfect enough. Will she ever feel better? Will she get over it? Will she be left on the shelf.” (At 22 roll of the eyes)


Melina said to her, to comfort her, “Just feel confidant that it will all work out in the end. That there is a reason for all of what you are going through now.”

I nearly asked Melina what she thought of the story that I read in the paper today. I opened and closed my mouth, but I didn’t in the end. I didn’t really want to make such a big deal of it. I didn’t want to look as though I was trying to convince her of anything, so I kept my mouth shut. Live and let live. You only have to state your position, Christian, you don't want to hit her over the head with it. But, I so wanted to ask her what she thought of the following.

There was a young guy in America, Kevin, who rode his bike down the east coast, from Maryland to Florida, to ask his girl friend, who he loved and who loved him, to marry him. Ring in his pocket, how romantic. He was two hours from his destination when he stopped in a town, Verno Beach, to get Maccas and have a break. He was on his phone to his girlfriend when a homeless man stabbed him to death, because he thought that Kevin was using his phone organising people to attack him.


Okay Melina, what was the plan here for this young guy’s life?

What Malcolm Said

Malcolm finished his lunch. He sat back and let the sun fall on his face. He was full.

He took his cigarettes from his jacket pocket and lit one. The smoke curled in the rays of the sun. He had always loved to watch them curl.

“Would you mind going somewhere else and smoking that?” asked the nice lady in the twinset and pearls, sitting at one of the other outdoor tables.

Malcolm felt encroached upon and just so slightly annoyed by the intrusion. “This is somewhere else,” he replied.

“I’m sorry?” said the nice lady in the twinset and the pearls. Her sweet, saccharine smile fading just a little.

Really? What did she think he meant? “Well, we were once allowed to smoke anywhere, we were once allowed to smoking inside, but now we have to smoke ‘somewhere else’,” he made parenthesis in the air with his fingers. “Which is out here.” he spoke deliberately slowly, as if to highlight the nice lady in the twinset and pearl’s age. “So I am, actually, already, smoking this”, he held the cigarette up in the air, “somewhere else.” He made parenthesis in the air again.

“It is just that I am allergic to cigarette smoke,” said the nice lady in the twinset and the pearls. “I’m sure you understand.” She smiled that kind of smile that ended the conversation in her favour, no question.

Malcolm assumed the nice lady in the twinset and pearls was used to getting her way. “Well, may I suggest that you head inside, where the air is clean.” Malcolm smiled. He didn’t mean to smile, exactly, but he felt the corners of his mouth twitch, almost involuntarily, at the corners, as he finished speaking. He liked to think of it as his serial killer smile.

“Oh, um,” said the nice lady with the twinset and the pearls. “I don’t think you quite understand, I can’t…”

“I understand,” said Malcolm. “I completely understand.” He smiled his serial killer smile, again. “You are being ridiculous.”

The nice lady with the twinset and the pearls was clearly taken aback, but only momentarily. “You are being rude, young man.” She rolled the R on rude and clipped the 'young' and the 'man'.

“Young man,” said Malcolm. “How about that.” He looked around. “There is fresh air all around you here and me smoking a cigarette has nothing to do with any health requirements you may have and everything to do with your, um, how do I put this? Your twinset and pearls sensibilities.”

Her hand moved to her throat, almost involuntarily, where it fiddled with the top button of her cardigan. “I’ll have you know…”

Malcolm decided in that second that he had entertained the nice lady in the twinset and the pearls long enough. He held up his fingers making a talking mouth motion. “I’m getting a lot of this, old woman. When I should be getting more of this this.” He made a closed duck’s bill shape with his fingers.

Her hand clasped her throat. “You can choose to damage you health if you want, but it effects all of us whether we like it or not.”

Malcolm had had enough. “Well, go inside.”

Tony Abbott Is Proving What A Reprehensible Creep He Really Is

Abbott is proving what a reprehensible creep he really is, by using the problems in Iraq to deflect the heat from his complete and utter failure as a Prime Minister and the failure of his government.

When in doubt go to national security.

What threat does Isis pose to Australia? Very little, to none, in all reality. The terrorist threat to Australia has not officially changed since 2001, and yet, Abbott is up there playing the terrorist card for all his future as a prime minister is worth.

It is a very low act to engender fear in the community and to fan hatred towards one section of the community, namely muslims, to save his own pathetic political hide.