What Malcolm Said

Malcolm finished his lunch. He sat back and let the sun fall on his face. He was full.

He took his cigarettes from his jacket pocket and lit one. The smoke curled in the rays of the sun. He had always loved to watch them curl.

“Would you mind going somewhere else and smoking that?” asked the nice lady in the twinset and pearls, sitting at one of the other outdoor tables.

Malcolm felt encroached upon and just so slightly annoyed by the intrusion. “This is somewhere else,” he replied.

“I’m sorry?” said the nice lady in the twinset and the pearls. Her sweet, saccharine smile fading just a little.

Really? What did she think he meant? “Well, we were once allowed to smoke anywhere, we were once allowed to smoking inside, but now we have to smoke ‘somewhere else’,” he made parenthesis in the air with his fingers. “Which is out here.” he spoke deliberately slowly, as if to highlight the nice lady in the twinset and pearl’s age. “So I am, actually, already, smoking this”, he held the cigarette up in the air, “somewhere else.” He made parenthesis in the air again.

“It is just that I am allergic to cigarette smoke,” said the nice lady in the twinset and the pearls. “I’m sure you understand.” She smiled that kind of smile that ended the conversation in her favour, no question.

Malcolm assumed the nice lady in the twinset and pearls was used to getting her way. “Well, may I suggest that you head inside, where the air is clean.” Malcolm smiled. He didn’t mean to smile, exactly, but he felt the corners of his mouth twitch, almost involuntarily, at the corners, as he finished speaking. He liked to think of it as his serial killer smile.

“Oh, um,” said the nice lady with the twinset and the pearls. “I don’t think you quite understand, I can’t…”

“I understand,” said Malcolm. “I completely understand.” He smiled his serial killer smile, again. “You are being ridiculous.”

The nice lady with the twinset and the pearls was clearly taken aback, but only momentarily. “You are being rude, young man.” She rolled the R on rude and clipped the 'young' and the 'man'.

“Young man,” said Malcolm. “How about that.” He looked around. “There is fresh air all around you here and me smoking a cigarette has nothing to do with any health requirements you may have and everything to do with your, um, how do I put this? Your twinset and pearls sensibilities.”

Her hand moved to her throat, almost involuntarily, where it fiddled with the top button of her cardigan. “I’ll have you know…”

Malcolm decided in that second that he had entertained the nice lady in the twinset and the pearls long enough. He held up his fingers making a talking mouth motion. “I’m getting a lot of this, old woman. When I should be getting more of this this.” He made a closed duck’s bill shape with his fingers.

Her hand clasped her throat. “You can choose to damage you health if you want, but it effects all of us whether we like it or not.”

Malcolm had had enough. “Well, go inside.”