Fat Girl Driving

I just saw a humungous woman in black covered in sequins, which made her look like a pin cushion stuck with pins, which is really unusual because the humungous woman in black covered in sequins in Fitzroy don’t usually come out until midnight, 3am. So I noticed her straight away. She was so fat that the features in her face were long since lost, distended, stretched beyond any thing anyone would reasonably call human.. 

She got into a tiny, bright yellow car, which almost made her look like some kind of crazed bumblebee, or death in a sunshine prison, I almost expected her to ooze out the window openings. As she went to sit in the driver’s seat she almost lost her balance, her eyes shot open and resembled boiled lollies on sticks, but she never looked in danger of losing her grip on the McDonald’s thick shake she had in her right hand. 

As she sat, the small Hyundai tipped sideways like those cars in the cartoons when the fat lady sits in them. The car sailed off down my street making the noise of the washing cart from Thoroughly Modern Millie. If someone had said, “Shoo shou, shoo shou,” I wouldn’t have been surprised. Or was that the springs mimicking Little Toot? “I think I can, I think I can.” I could see that she had to continually over correct the steering wheel to the left to stop the car heading around in a circle, as she drove past. I kid you not. 

Sam thinks I am wicked re-telling this story, but it simply made me laugh.