Lazy Saturday

It is a somewhat of a cool day, overcast but still warm enough to go out in just a t-shirt.

I’m sitting on a monument, Buddy, Bruno and I, while Sam shops in the city. A game from Harvey Norman and then a quick stop off in Big W, to check out the game merchandise they carry.

It is a triangular patch with roads on each side. The traffic rushes by. It is kind of nice being an island as the world rushes about around you. It is empowering. The calm despite the storm, which makes for a heightened sense of peace, in a way. Hiding in plain sight, is that what they call it? Sort of, it has that feeling to it. It is kind of thrilling, that feeling of being alone in the middle of everything, the only man standing. I wonder if that is what explorers feel?

We walked Buddy and Bruno to lunch in Lygon Street. All the guys who own the cafes come out to look at the bulldogs. And the bulldogs love it. Buddy revels in it, they get lots of pats. Bruno is a bit more stand-offish than Buddy.

And now we’ve made it as far as Russell and Victoria Streets. There is a big patch of grass, with some granite obelisk in the middle. I didn’t take much notice of what the obelisk was for, initially.

Buddy and Bruno sat down facing the direction in which Sam left. I thought of that dog at the train station in Shibuya, Tokyo. I started writing my journal on my phone. Notes on my phone, I use it all the time.

The grass is green, I slide my shoes and socks off and felt nature against my toes. It is cool, like the soil that holds us up, which we never notice usually.

A man with bright red carrot hair stops, in khaki shirt and khaki shorts like he is Steve Irwin, with his two kids and they pat the dogs. Maybe he was just matching his outfit to his hair, I thought. You know, green for rangas. It made me chuckle to myself. Maybe he was attracted to the bulldog’s coiffure. He was very polite, he said please and thank you.

I lean back against the monument and gaze at the kids tentatively patting the dogs, and Buddy and Bruno just loving to be adored. Then they cross all the roads like they were looking at the architecture, or some such thing.

I gaze up at the monument to see it is commemorating the 8 hour day. I’m all for the worker, so I like it. We are diagonally across from Trades Hall so it was to be expected, I guess.

A lazy Saturday, to be sure, with my favourite guys. Should we have walked into the CBD with Sam? I don’t know?

I dig my toes into the blades of grass. It is nice sitting here, I know that much.

Sam arrives back. The dogs do their little happy to see him bounce on their front legs. We head off in the direction of the Carlton Gardens and home.

The fat man in khaki with the bright red hair and his kids cross the road from the other direction as if they are continuing their never ending tour of life. He says hello again. I say hello back, as though we are old friends now.

Just Watching The Shit Show

I'm glad I have a settled life, in lots of ways. A lovely boyfriend, a career, a nice place to live, the what's and what have you's sorted. (Ha ha, and I am supposed to be good with words) Goals, dreams, life plans. As much as those things get sorted, and aren’t a continuing journey.

I have been with Sam for 11 years in a couple of months, and he is still my favourite human. (He is making me home made sushi for lunch, as I type, so you can see why) 

My boss apologised to me for my pay rise not being very large this year, (nobody's pay rise was very large, there is a pandemic, you know) He said I could increase my working days, all I had to do was ask. (Seriously, I thought, when did I ever indicate I want to do that?) I have the ultimate job, 3 days a week, why would I want to spoil that? I ask you.

I live in the best part of the best city of the best country anywhere in the world, can't imagine living anywhere else. (My local member is from the Australia’s Green party) 

I've lived, I've loved, I have travelled the world extensively, (and when this bat flu is over we will travel again) I am very happy with my place in it.

I don't really get affected by the world around me, as such. It makes little difference to me who is in power politically. (The progressive politicians are better than the conservative politicians, really, when you take away all the other bullshit) It just makes me sad when governments don't govern for every member of our society. It is hard to understand when a government’s mission is something other than making the world a better place for everybody. Really, isn’t that a governments only real purpose. Oh, you know, other than paying the bills and keeping the lights on.

Life goes on almost despite any of us and what we do. What I have learned is life just rolls on and you just roll on with it, that’s how it works.

I used to want to change the world, now I just want to point and laugh. Because, I can't change anything, so I might as well find humour in it.

Going Nuts

I think the human race is nudging insanity now, anyway.

I mean, how else would you describe,

People denying the planet is being poisoned and the human race is under threat in the face of undeniable evidence.

People so unwilling to take vaccines so that previously eradicated disease are allowed to resurface.

People denying the existence of a pandemic, and refusing to take the necessary precautions when the pandemic has killed 3 million people.

People willing to believe even the wildest conspiracy theories that don’t have a single thread of evidence, over peer-based evidential truth.



It is kind of hard to understand? Is it a problem with education? Most likely. Is it the reality TV world we live in. (that gave us the first reality TV president) Maybe? (Although, I am trying hard not to be one of the one’s obsessed with America) Is it the unrelenting stench of politics? Could be? I have no idea, really. It just seems so unbelievable (The ideas above) that I can’t really get my head around it.

Disenfranchised. Silo living. More and more loneliness in living. 50% of society now lives on its own. Increasing inequality.

We are all to be forgiven, for we don’t really know what we are doing. As the rich and powerful don’t want any of us to see. Just stare down at your phones, there’s good people, and ‘we’ll’ take care of the rest.

The Unrelenting Conservative Idealogy

Conservative politics has a lot to do with the world going nuts, I reckon. Conservative politicians, take a look at them. Trump, Johnson, Bolsonaro, Morrison. They all refused to wear masks, and they all caught covid. (Johnson thought he was Jesus, the mythical religious figure, and shook hands with all the lepers) So, a bright bunch, hey? Oh, not Morrison, he escaped to Hawaii to avoid the whole thing. Or, did he hand out sports grants to buy favour with the gods? Oh no, that was to buy votes, he claps his hands and sings to the gods and then babbles incoherently which he calls tongues. (He had to ask his wife what rape meant though, so as about as bright as the rest of them.)

And the general public keeps voting for these dopes, for policies that, so often, are actually working against the ordinary member of the general public. Go figure? Tax cuts are dangled like lottery tickets and the great unwashed vote accordingly. Shake of the head. You can fool all of the people some of the time, isn’t that how it goes?

Market forces, market forces, market forces, they cry! It will trickle down. (bullshit!) Let the market forces do, or die. Oh, unless we are talking about coal, freedom of speech, or religious freedom, unions, protests, power companies, the list goes on.

And what is the Morrison Government’s answer to the covid downturn, bring forward tax cuts, primarily for the rich, which they planned long before covid came along. And to give companies more powers to cuts to real wages. So, this smart bunch are dishing up more of the same. Let’s get back to ideology. Oh lets.

And after that, they will no doubt get back to being anti welfare, (the employment minister is the only transsexual in the Morrison Govt) devoid of climate change policies (we don’t care about fifty years into the future, says the governments troglodyte partners, er, the National Party), against universal medicine (most of the Morrison conservative govt think prayer is the answer, so no surprise there), against free education (they doubled the cost of an Arts Degree because it is of little use to their political donors), anti pensions (Well, you would be, wouldn’t you, when you have a politicians superannuation fund), big on privatisation (back to political donors), big on business (back to political donors), big on governing for their political donors (Did I say anything about political donors?).

And maybe they’ll even have another go at sending Voldermort in to silence the journalists. (Or they could just blabber fake news, fake news, fake news, that seemed to work for the obese orange one)

The conservative politicians around the world are not making the world a better place and yet paradoxically people keep voting for them. Their policies are doing the opposite, leading to greater inequity all around the world. More wealth for the rich, less rich for the poor, and I am pretty sure this is the case because conservative politicians tend to be so arrogant that can only see themselves as the rich. So, they are really governing for themselves, fuck everyone else.

The Modern World

Sometimes, I think, I will just go insane in the end, as that seems like the most appropriate response to the world in which we live.

The ultimate in self protection.

Ha ha

That's what they want you to think, of course.

Then you buy more shit to cheer yourself up.

And you look to politicians to make the world right.

The frightening thing that is real,

is all the stupid people in positions of power.

Now that's is the scary thing.

Tell Us How You Feel

We had our usual 2.10pm Webex meeting, except it has been change to a Monday. You know, start the week off with goals and action plans, yap, yap, yap.

Our boss gets us to go around telling everyone what we are working on, what we have finished, and do we need any help with anything. He likes us to add something of what we’ve been feeling, or something we have been thinking to finish. Are we okay, you know, that sort of thing.

Usually, I make them laugh with something funny I had thought of, or observed, but earlier, in the day, as I gazed out side at the sunshine, it had occurred to me that we were more than half way through summer and before we knew it day light savings will be over and we will be back to the dark of winter, again.

So, that’s what I said. “My thoughts, sad to think day light savings will soon be over.”

Well, did that get the accountants chattering on.

“Daylight savings isn’t finishing any time soon.”

“Daylight savings isn’t finishing.”

“No, not soon.”

“That’s not imminent.”

“That’s not happening.”

The voices came at me like a wave.

Daylight savings always used to finish around Mardi Gras which was normally 1st of March, that was my reference. “Doesn’t it finish at the end of Feb?” I say.

“No, not the end of Feb.”

“No, that’s not when it finishes.”

“I don’t think that is right.”

“No, you have that wrong.”

“It finishes 4th of April.” Karen had clearly googled it.

“Well that’s not all that far away,” I offered, as I dusted myself off from the tsunami.

“That’s not soon”

“That’s ages away.”

“What are you talking about?”

“That’s months away.”

“It finishes on the 4^th of April,” Karen said again.

I just stopped talking.

Karen laughed her self righteous laugh.

Seriously, I thought. I’m telling you guys how I feel, wasn’t that the deal? It wasn’t supposed to be a timeline on the seasons, or a topic for discussion, for that matter. I was telling you what was going through my head. I wasn’t asking for your opinions. I love the seasons but the one thing I don’t particularly like is the dark.

Wildside

I got a copy of Wildside, that's the Australian police drama, not the US show of the same name about which I know nothing. 20 episodes, the last 20 episodes. I used to love it, it was gritty and real. And it had two of my favourite men in it. And who doesn’t love a good cock show, er, cop show.

At one stage, it used to be on late, 11pm. This must have been before I met Sam. I used to sit up in bed and jerk off at the thought of Alex Dimitriades and Aaron Peterson doing each other. Of course, I used to smoke a lot of pot back then, so my imagination was primed for such things; on my own, in the dark, late in the evening. Ha ha. The creativity of THC, there is nothing like it.

We should all smoke more pot, we'd all be nicer as a society. Well, if we replaced alcohol with marijuana that is.

Of course, I don't smoke pot any more, er, because Sam doesn't like it. This mismatch of a pot smoker and a non pot smoker cannot be underestimated. It doesn’t work, and something has to give. Of course, I got Sam smoking pot, but he never really liked it, so it didn’t stick.

I mean, I'm fine with it, no longer smoking it, as there is nothing like the look of disappointment on your boyfriend’s face to kill your buzz. It’s cheaper too. 😬

So Wildside. I just chanced upon the episodes I got. I wonder what the chances are of stumbling over the rest of the episodes.

Suddenly, He Is Babbling Like A Halfwit

I like watching car YouTube channels, particularly where they revive old cars. It is one of my favourite things to do. Kissing Sam, walking my bulldogs, adding movies to my movie collection, and watching car YouTubers, are all favourite things to do.

Oh yes, writing, did I say writing? That's a favourite thing to do too. 😬 Oops.

One of my favourite car YouTubers, has a habit of crossing over into what I think of as an alternative reality with Jesus speak. He'd be talking about hemi engines and quad jet carburettors and then he'd suddenly be babbling on about letting Jesus into our lives like he has just blown a resister in his head. It never fails to shock me, it is so ‘other worldly’ to me that intelligent people can yap on with such nonsense. It always feels like he has slipped over into parody and any moment he will get to the punch line after which he will resume his usual transmission.

How can smart, obviously go-getter types (who have the wherewithal to have a successful YouTube channel) become raving idiots from one second to another, I ask you?

Yes, of course, people are entitled to hold whatever beliefs they want and I wouldn't say anything at all about it, if he didn't inflict those beliefs on me. If he really wants to talk Jesus bullshit have a Jesus bullshit YouTube Chanel, I would never seek it out, nor would I pass judgement on him for doing so. But when you lose the plot in the middle of your car YouTube Chanel which I am watching, then I feel like I am perfectly entitled to comment. And that would be ixnay with the Ge-sus say. Actually, it isn't even that, it is more along the lines that it makes me think less of you when you do, and since you bought it up, I feel perfectly entitled to give my opinion about it.

It just strikes me as weird, that's all. That a 2000 year old illiterate carpenter, who may, or may not, have actually existed, is your mentor and role model for living in the 21^st century.

Empathy Deficient Scott Morrison

 

Wonder

'The world will never starve for want of wonders; but only for want of wonder.' 

G.K. Chesterton 

Wonder, what happened to wonder? Reality TV? Reality TV the low water mark for creativity in the modern world, the race to the bottom for cheap entertainment, which has led, almost directly, to a person who is wholly incapable of being the leader of the western world being the leader of the western world, and we all saw how well that turned out for humanity. Elevating banality to high art has somewhat sounded the death knell for wonder, in many ways.

 

Hospital

I had to get up early at 6am and have breakfast. (Yesterday) Oh, I spent the day in hospital, (The afternoon) and I had to fast for 6 hours before I went in. Gastroscopy. General anaesthetic. 

There seemed to be four of us being done at once. One guy was really chatty, I thought I was going to hate him, but I didn’t, he was a decent bloke under all the yap. Music promoter, hence the yap. Another guy, who I think had the beginning of dementia, they were very, um, nurturing of him. Careful, I guess you’d say. He seemed nice. And a guy called Lance, who was very quiet. He reminded me of Lance Armstrong, maybe he’d pre-dosed? I found myself being unusually polite, I heard myself say thank you after everything. It must have been the nerves. So, we had all the versions of man represented.

All blokes. I guess the feebly minded white male privilege brigade would make some point about it being proof that guys are under threat now a days… and, you know, if you believe that, you really need to pull your head out of your arse and smell the roses.

They didn’t find anything alarming, just a bit of gastritis, said the nice doctor. I must look up what that is.

When I was in recovery, eating sandwiches and drinking coffee, one nurse said propofol to another nurse.

“Is that the Michael Jackson drug.”

“Yes.”

“I can see why he liked it.” I was feeling all lushy. (I can see why he liked it)

The two nurses laughed.

Sam had to come and pick me up. I wasn’t allowed to leave on my own, in fact, I had to be supervised all evening. General anaesthetic. We walked home, not sure that is what the hospital had in mind, but we did. I was craving McDonalds, don’t know why, I am pretty sure I haven’t eaten it since 2019, possibly 2018. We had happy meals, it somehow seemed appropriate.

Thursday

Lately, I’ve been collecting DVDs instead of writing, not sure it’s a good trade, you know, collecting other people’s writing instead of making my own. A collection of other people’s writing, displayed visually.

What am I thinking? So much time, I guess, to write. But, writing is hard, and collecting is easy, especially for a Virgo, if you go in for that kind of thing. Collections. Gathering everything together in an orderly fashion. Very Virgoan. (You know, so they say)

There is always a distraction. Always. Is it ever going to be better than this? Get passed this? Can we all be somebody? Turn yourself out and smear your insides over the page. It is disembowelment, writing. Here, come view my entrails and please like them, I have arranged them the best way I know how.

Nyr. It's probably because it's Thursday?

2020

 

I call this one, Peace Disappearing Into The Clouds

 

Every Important Thing A Man Searches For In His Life

Every important thing a man searches for in his life – a mentor, a role model, some place to be, somebody to be there with, something to do, something to sustain one.

Companionship, and a sense that it will be ongoing, that it can be depended upon, that it can be trusted.

Truth, some understanding of his place in the world. How all of that works that he can see around him. Not myths and traditions and religions made up long before to try and explain it, but what is really going on around one, and how it works. Don’t get me wrong, stories from ancestors of how they lived are certainly important, but not by which to live one’s life in the present.

In fact, one could argue that religion has been a destructive force in the world, setting up ideas of good and evil, simply to convey ancient writer’s fears. Religion doesn’t allow people to ‘be’. We are all types in the world, equally valid as one another.

An understanding of the interior, is needed, why man feels the way he does, and, no, he is not unusual to desire the things he desires. As long as you are not hurting anyone else… 

Morals are easily learned from living, if you kill someone, you are likely to be killed, if you cheat someone, then you have allowed cheating to be viewed as okay.

Being curious all one’s life must be as important as many other things; an interest, a desire to learn, a genuine fascination for the world around. Constant discovery, challenging oneself to learn, a regard for all the things there is to know.

And love. It will probably be different things at different times in one’s life… but the way they look back at you, that never changes.

Lovely Way To Spend Monday Morning

Late morning, I dropped Sam off at the shops in Abbotsford and I headed to the Salvos to look for movies for my collection. 

I love working from home, if I was in the office, I’d never be able to do this Monday morning. I get up at 6am and I sign into work not long after, so I have no guilt about not doing my hours.

The sun was shining, the weather was lovely, and there is something gentle and serene moving about one’s suburb in the mornings. 

I didn’t expect to really get anything at the opshop, but I wanted to have a look for the True Blood episodes I’m after, got to keep looking, if I want to get them cheap. (Am I cheap? Aren’t we all cheap by that measure? Wanting to get the most things for the least amount of money, isn’t that all of us?)

But, I did manage to pick up quite a few of the classic movies that should be a part of all movie collections. To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, Americas’ answer to Pricilla. 2001 A Space Odyssey, a movie I have never really understood. Has anyone? A Star is Born, the new one. Now I have the last three versions. Gone with the Wind, which is 4 hours long, I’m guessing I should have known that? 4 hours seems like too big a commitment for me, if I am truthful. Hello Dolly. Black Adder’s A Christmas Carol. Rabbit Proof Fence. Jane Eyre. Who doesn’t like Michael Fassbender. What was that film in which he walked around naked with his huge sausage hanging out? I need a copy of that movie. And Ladies and Gentlemen the Best of George Michael. Poor George.

By the time I drove back to the shops, Sam was ready to be picked up, shopping bags over his shoulders. I expected complaints about me not helping with the shopping, and going off and wasting my time, as he’d probably put it, but he didn’t say anything.

I got back and tuned back into work without anyone even noticing I had gone. You have got to love working from home.

Madame Sin, Bette Davis, arrived in the post from eBay not long after we got home.

I just don’t understand all those people who went back to their offices this week, with a skip and a jump saying they couldn’t wait to get back there. Nah, not me.

Freedom is good for the soul, and I think that is what working from home gives you… gives me.

New Age Stupidity

David arrived Friday for the weekend, he's down for a guru workshop with his sycophants out in the hills somewhere where the banjos still play, for a week next week.

He eats donuts and cakes until he is on the wrong side of 100 kilos then she arrives at our place with all sorts of bakery goods, everything gluten free. 

“WTF?”

"Oh, sometimes I just feel bloated," was all he offered when I questioned him about his, apparent, diet.

As he arrived, Daniel Andrews moved the goal posts because of an infected hotel, quarantine, worker and David had to cut his numbers, which he found arduous. (Almost as arduous as listening to the reasons why cutting the numbers was arduous)

"Give me the list and a red pen and I'll have it done for you in 5 minutes," I offered.

He pulled away from me in horror.

Then it all got too much and his anxieties kicked in and the new age spiritualist cancelled everything and took off in the direction of home, nary a disciple having been service at all.

You know you get those old aunties who end up looking like beachballs. And they insist on wearing those tank tops and loose shorts they used to wear in their 30's, and they end up being all tits and arse on two tooth pick legs? That's what David now looks like, he's gone and got so fat during lock down. Then he buys gluten free fucken bread like he is suddenly on some fucking health kick. Jesus fuck.

Exercise and Eva

I've been getting back into my hours exercise a day, after stopping altogether over the Xmas break. (Oh, yes, well, we can't rush these things, now can you)  

I've also been (semi) addicted to Eva Cassidy, just lately. Oh, I don't know why? There is something so pure about her voice, and something so tragic about her story, but really it is the voice. It is like exercising to angels.

The tourists are back, people are thick on the streets again, the cafes are over flowing with the poor souls who, actually, experienced FOMO for real while lockdown was on. Gone are the quiet footpaths with just the locals hanging around. (We got to say hello to each other, as we leisurely made our way through our suburb) I need solitude in my head, as I battle through the crowds, and here I have it, adjusting my headphones, lost in my very own sounds, Eva's mellifluous voice, as I step around the rabble with a polite nod and a fleeting grin, making my way to the park where it is fresh and clear...

Evonne Goolagong Arena

 

Doing It For Myself (I guess)

Give up my blog?

Well, no one reads it, 

Well, yes, I know no one reads it

So what's the point?

What's the point?

Yes, that's what I asked?

Do you know George Orwell didn't sell a book in his life time...

Are you seriously comparing yourself to George Orwell?

Well, no, not exactly...

So the reference...?

It's the circumstances, that are similar?

Seriously?

Why not?

I think you are getting delusional...

My point being that maybe we don't all quit just because we aren't the flavour of the day.

So, when do you think you will be the flavour?

That's not exactly what I meant.

It's what you just said.

Maybe, some of us do these things for ourselves, because we love it.

All of your contemporaries have quit one by one.

Yes, I know.

Doesn't that tell you something?

Do you think it was Facebook?

Probably. Maybe?

That's not a reason to stop.

So what is the reason to stop?

You tell me.

I'm just going to keep doing it for myself. A writer writes.

You haven't been putting much effort into it lately.

I know, that's true. I'll do better, I promise.

Why?

Why?

Yes, that's what I asked?

Well, I have never been impressive at anything else I have ever done. If I am good at anything, this is it. This is it.

Is that sad?

Maybe? No.

Maybe.

Are all of us really good at lots of things?

Some of us are.

Yes, I know some of us are, but what about the ordinary person?

The ordinary person?

Yes, the average guy.

What are they good at?

Yes.

I don't know.

Getting a job, getting married, having kids, and getting old. Most people don't have any special skills.

That's a bit mean.

Oh, I don't mean for it to be mean, but most of us will pass through life unnoticed, really, when you think about it.

They are noticed by the people who love them.

Yes, of course, they are, but when the people who love them are gone too, they are lost in the ether of everyone who has ever existed.

And, what is your point.

Oh, I don't know. I have one special skill that gives me joy and I intend to keep doing it even if I am the only person to who it brings joy.

Good for you.

Dogs and Us

Dogs and humans have been best friends for 23 thousand years, 'they' say. That is a long time to be besties. (as a side note for all the Christians, that means humans survived for 21 thousand years without god, maybe we did alright {without all your nonsense})

It must have been a fraught relationship though (that's humans and dogs, not humans and gods, that's always been fraught, misguided, too I hear you add? {oh, stop it, you know I don't need any encouragement in that direction}) as dogs are so selfless and sweet and kind, and humans are so selfish, and conflicted and mean. 

Dogs must have shaken their heads on occasions and thought, why are we friends with this lot? No, seriously, dogs must have questioned this relationship so many times.

Don't You Realise, It Could Have Been Me!

The old bloke who worked in the mail room until he was 78, finally retiring last Xmas, died. Everyone is upset. "Oh, it is so sad, poor Bruce only got to enjoy his retirement for a few months. It is too sad."

Nah, I don't get it. I was never going to see him again, it wasn't ever going to change my life. Don't get me wrong, I liked Bruce and all, quite the gentleman, but...

The chick who worked in the Brisbane office forever, got terminal cancer months ago and has just died. Everyone is upset. "Oh, poor Trish, all she got was months and she was dead. It is too sad."

Nah, I don't get it. A woman I have never met, what do I care?

Is it me? Am I an uncaring bastard?

Or as a society, are we addicted to drama?

Everything is a drama, everything is a scandal, everything is a disaster, everything is a problem. (Even the weather now a days, have you notice, there is a deadly storm headed our way, THUNDERSTORM ASTHMA!!!!!!! we don't even just get rain any more)

Or are we all so self focused, that we all think in terms of it could have been me. That's what is so sad, it could have been us. We are not actually thinking about the other person, what we are doing is thinking about ourselves.

Jesus, calm down people, it may never happen to you?