The Boyfriend Issue

I’m home alone. I feel lonely. I should be doing something. Where’s that gorgeous boyfriend who comes over and lifts my heart and encourages me to live? My life is dull.

Not long after, my phone rang and Manny said, "What are you doing?"
Then he came around and hustled me out the door to the Laird. I sms’d Tom, as we walked down Langridge Street, the mooning, after all, had been his idea.

SMS. 20.48. Manny and I are heading to The Laird – Christian
SMS. 20.48. Ok. I am tired. Have a good one – Tom

I saw Daryl. He’s moved to Malden.
D and Jesse arrived.
Andrew Swift was there, with his boyfriend Derek.
The Laird was packed. I was sweating like a pig.

SMS. 22.20. D just picked u out – Christian
SMS. 22.20. Doesn’t make sense – Tom
SMS. 22.23. No, it was u. Honest! 3rd contestant – Christian
SMS. 22.23. Tell D he is a cow – Tom

Manny said some guy was staring at him. He said he might meet his future husband. And somehow we got to talking about boyfriends. Manny said that I had said twice recently that I wanted him to be my boyfriend.

I did? When?

I think I might have been quoting Aby and Tom, who both call Manny my boyfriend. Or, I was making a point about us having a relationship, again. Just because it’s not a full-time, live-in, 24 hour, relationship, it didn’t mean we aren’t having one. (A point Manny doesn’t get) We’ve been seeing each other for two years, right about now, actually.

I’d remember if I’d asked him to be my boyfriend.

But he was adamant. He said he wanted to be my boyfriend in the beginning, but now he was happy with the way it was. And I got looking at him and thought… no, actually, I think I do want a boyfriend, now. So if it’s not going to be you, I thought... Perhaps, Tom is right. I need to make the space amongst the bodies of Mark and Luke and Manny standing in the way.
Manny hasn’t been out much, not to the Laird in ten years. He’s just a bloke underneath it all, loving all the attention he was getting.

SMS. 22.32. I think I want a boyfriend – Christian
SMS. 22.32. Make the space then. And come to Beyond – Tom
SMS. 22.33. Ok – Christian

We were in the pin-ball room, watching D, Jesse and Frank play, when Manny said, Him, I like him.
I looked around to see Shane at the door.

Shane stood with us during the second half of The Mooning competition. Nobody could move, it was so crowded.

Manny said he had to go outside for air, as his anxieties were playing up. We decided to leave, it was sooo fucking hot. As we kissed everyone good-bye, I noticed Paul H, sitting next to D.

And then the next thing Manny’ was saying that he’d just seen Glen and that I had to go out in front of him and he’d follow.

I sat on the fire hydrant and waited for Manny. I wondered what the real deal is with Glen? Because the actions displayed here didn’t match with what Manny has told me. He says that he has told Glen that it is all over between the two of them and that he has told Glen that he is still seeing me. But, Glen is a nasty piece of work and he could cause a scene.

SMS. 23.06. (Tom) I’m now leaving because Glen’s arrived – Christian
SMS. 23.07. (Tom) Fuck, I’m pissed! – Christian

Manny and I walked home. He was going to catch the train, but I said I’d pay for a taxi. I wondered if I had become too needy of him, as we chatted, as we strode into the dark night.

I wondered if my change from treating-him-mean to keep-him-keen to being more relaxed about relationships, had been picked up by him and had changed him. (I’ve told him that I love him twice recently. I just let it happen, stopped holding back.) You know, now that he’d got me, he wasn’t so keen. (2018 - I was surprised to read this. I am sure I never told Manny that I loved him, because I never did)

Had I misread his wide-eyed enthusiasm at all the men at the Laird, as a lack of interest in me? Had I become venerable there, standing in the beer garden with him? I know I felt it, a certain unease at his loyalty. He may be sweet and pure of soul, but he is just a boy underneath it. A handsome boy, at that, who hasn’t been out in the gay scene for a while.

I felt weird all night with him. Maybe it was the two j’s I smoked before I went out. That I pigged into as soon as I got home.

We went home and had sex. Manny wanted to go home to his place. As he vacillated, standing in the kitchen, I kissed him and stuck my hands down his pants.

We soon went upstairs.

Manny got up and left just as I was drifting off to sleep. He didn’t have his pills with him, so he couldn’t stay.

SMS. 0020. (Tom) Miss liar! D never said he’d support your d habit? – Christian
SMS. 00.23. (Tom) I’ve got Manny’ spoof on my chest. He’s gone home. Fuck it is hot! – Christian