Tomorrow is Another Day

It was no surprise when Tim told me, first thing this morning, that Nicholas is half Italian. While none of us picked it last night…olive skin, dark good looks, cheeky smile. Oh yes, it all made sense to me now.

SMS. 08.20. (Dean) Have u got a car? – Christian

The thought of Dean bouncing around on my bed, naked. Hard cock, foreskin. Dark good looks… beautiful eyes. Wow! The best eyes. Brimming with youth and innocents. The d's would give me enthusiasm for two, considering what a starfish he is. I put it down to inexperience. It turns me on to think of him just starting out, just getting into man to man sex.

He didn’t respond, though.

I remember 11am as a waking up time.

I rolled joints and went back to bed.

I remember 17.40 as a wake up time.

It’s Saturday, still? Yes, it is. Gotta love going out on Friday night. The turnaround time on going out on a Saturday night, suddenly it’s 17.40 Sunday, almost puts you off. Does put you off.

So I rolled a couple of joints and watch shit TV with Tim, for as long as it takes me to smoke the joints.

Manny has been calling all day. I took the first call and told him I’d be sleeping all day because I took d's and got home late. But, still he calls. I don’t want to go back to where we were, so I’m not going to be here every time he wants me. I want a real boyfriend now. A real boy friend wouldn’t call with id restricted and then call straight afterwards without… like he always does. It’s pathetic, really. Sad. His life is doomed to poverty and unhappiness because of the decisions he has made, or been incapable of making. Such goodness. Such beauty. Such purity. Such enthusiasm. I do want to shrivel and start dying early in middle age because of my lack of financial wherewithal to do otherwise.

He’s my beautiful doll. What does the future hold for us?

It’s Saturday night… why shouldn’t I log onto gaydar and hook up with Carmine. Hey sexy boy, you want to get it on? He’s got a nice, hard... well, you know what. Him sitting there playing with it nonchalantly, with that intense gaze aimed at me… breathtakingly beautiful. I can’t breathe. I must like prehistoric man, as that is the face-shape that does it for me. Piercing, lustful gaze. Yum. I should put the effort in to discover if he has a brain. Put my insecurities aside. But, I reckon I’ve blown it with that one. Too long between contact, fades away.

Ah well? Who cares? Tomorrow is another day. The sun will rise again.

I suspect Dean has a brain and yet we speak the least of any of my lovers… do you like that? Lovers? We’ve done it a handful of times, Dean and me. Poetic licence, to be sure. Good for the punters, let them remain inferior to me, all the way till the end.

I wonder if I could have picked up any of those boys last night? Was it all just in my head? Or am I handsome, like Simon said? Don’t know. Was I too scattered, as I felt. I know, I stared at Nicholas’ crotch too many times. He had this sexy way of dancing; his hand would rub down across his stomach to his crotch. My gaze simply followed his hand. More often than not, he’d pull his t-shirt up when he withdrew his hand, revealing his sexy underwear and stomach. Well, that’s how it started. Then I was obsessed with his bulge. Naughty drug's. I tried not to let him see. But he did. I couldn’t stop. You know how you can just get something in your head when you are on d's…all safety mechanisms switched off…not one thought occurs to you, of not looking. It’s just you and your obsession. It was kind of like that.

The things I cringe at when the d's have worn off!

Tom has called three times to say he’d like me to visit. I must go tomorrow. Now, I feel wrecked, stoned off my bonce, as randy Crawford soothes me with her smooth grooves. I watched Hudd and the Ray Charles DVD I bought, in the darkened house, just with the glow from the television for light. It’s past midnight. Tim retired hours ago, I think it is now time for me to do the same. Besides, I’ve smoked all the pot, a bit rude, really, since Tim bought it.

I ate muesli and a peanut butter KitKat replacement Whip, and a caramel fudge Heaven and Tomato soup with four slices of toast, the last of which I had to put plum jam just to get them down. And then I couldn’t manage the last two halves.