I don't know why, but I have put on about 6 or 7 kilos this year. I mean, I know why, my diet has been shitfull and I've just stopped exercising. Pretty simple, really, but why this year? I don't know?
It's weird, I actually feel fat for the first time.
I mean, as much as I hate to say it, I suppose I know the reason. In the last four years I've, pretty much, only had sex with Manny. And I rail against monogamy? I've been allowed to, encouraged on occasions. Manny's hot for a threesome - I lived in a threeway relationship for four years, and the attraction has never really come back, although I've had plenty; one set of eyes looking back at me is what gets me going now - although we've never had one. He's had sex with other guys. But between us, it wouldn't come much over ten, probably not as many as twenty. We're talking two of us over four years. Maybe not ten, even. Who keeps track of those things?
Neither of us have gone looking for it, it's just what has come along.
Neither of us have committed to each other. We say we'll be friends forever, who will have sex with each other, when the two of us are single and available.
For six months of the four years, Manny met a guy who he thought he fell for. Because the other guy thought he was in a monogamous relationship, Manny and I didn't see each other for five of those months. I refused to cheat on the boyfriend by having sex with Manny in the sixth month, when it was all but over. Come back when you're single, I told him. I'm no saint, don't get me wrong, but seriously, why do I want to be the reason they break up? Who wants that angst? I'm not climbing through windows for anybody any more.
I've had love twice where I've said I'll love you forever and, at the time, I believed it to my very core. Men who changed my life irrevocably for the good, for having met them. One was a hot DJ, still is. He has the beat to his soul. He has the most piercing green eyes. The other is a gardener, with huge ideas.
He has created marvels. He has beauty to his core. He changed my life forever.
I loved my girlfriend as a teenager, in the very same way, although not to my very core, but almost, just as good for first love. I loved her. I just didn't know yet that there was better sex, for me. I liked having sex with her, at the time. We're still best friends.
If only Manny was smarter. His only fault. True. But it is big. Too big. And it's not even that he isn't smart. When he told his parents that he was gay at the age of fifteen, they threw him out of home and out of school. His mother had become born again Christian, a few years earlier, after Manny's brother was crippled in an accident. But that's his story and I shouldn't be telling it. So part of it has been a chronic lack of opportunity, but...
He is hot sex. The only thing he does is go to gym, so his body is incredible. He has an eating disorder, of sorts, gym junkie food, so he doesn’t carry an ounce of fat, literally. Grrrrrrr, just thinking about him.
We're the same age.
Tom says, All my gay mates have hot boyfriends, at the moment. Where’s mine?
Manny has the sweetest heart. He has the filthiest mind. He has the most handsome face. He’s funny, he makes me laugh.
But his conversation rarely gets beyond, you guessed it, gym or food… or lets watch a DVD. He hasn’t done anything else... except wash dishes.
So in a truly spectacularly human, contradictory way, I’ve got fat because I’ve become complacent because I’ve had Manny on tap and it’s kind of settled me. But now that I’m feeling fat, I’m avoiding him, because essentially it is only a sexual relationship and I don’t want him to see me as a porker.
I could loose it in a month or two for him, but he keeps me contented, so far, so why bother. So I avoid him as repayment.
Am I nuts?
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