Stressing

Sam left at 7.30. I got up and made coffee and muesli. Then I went back to bed.

I didn’t know what to do with myself today. The walls were closing in a bit. I’m stressed out about my future. I don’t know if I am going to make it.

I decided I wasn’t going to write my blog any more. It is time for it to stop being a distraction for me, a reason to sit on my arse and do nothing. Besides, I don’t think I am much good at it any more. But, of course, I decided I needed to finish February 2005. 

So, I ended up doing my blog for most of the day. Yay.

I’m a big cabin fever. I could feel it all day. Brrrrrr!

I’m a bit depressed. At the world. At my future. At my prospects. I wish I was really successful, I wonder what that feels like? What must it be like to be one of those people who just slides through life being fabulous? I wish I knew.

I spoke to Mark on Skype. He asked if I have been dying my hair. I told him I’d been putting the cream on.

He told me I looked very handsome with my new hair.

He told me I needed to get on and rent out the room. He says he is making money for us in our old age, and I need to keep up my side of the agreement too.

I don’t know what to do. Some pissy job, some stranger in my house. I want to scream at my failures.

So, I ran away to my bed at 5.30, of course, like the depressive that I am, closing the door behind me.

I went down at 6.15 to get the rest of the Japanese curry for dinner, hoping that Shane wouldn’t come home as I was doing it. Which, he didn’t. I snuck back upstairs.

Then there was back to back episodes of Friends on and I forgot about my funk. The looser watched those who have been phenomenally successful and the loser was happy.

Ted Moseby, How I met your mother. He looks just like my buddy George. No really, he does.

I should have gone and visited Nicholas in hospital, I forgot. Stupid me.

I don’t know what life I’m living any more.

I think I am just nervous at all the changes in my life. I do like routine, (as sad as that is) I know that. I do like knowing what I know. I’m sure it is all going to be fine once I get into the swing of it all.

Suddenly, I’ll have worked it all out and I’ll have worked through it and I’ll be looking at you like “what fuss are you talking about.” And I will be denying all of the above, naturally. I do stress at knew things. I do have my moments of wobble when I am stepping into the fray for the first time. Take no notice. Having to wait until the end of the month to start putting my new training into practice is pissing me off just a bit. I’m just forgetting it by the day.

You are so together, you are so capable, is what I have been hearing all my life.

It’s odd when I feel less than those things. It can make me feel a bit crazy.

I’ll be fine, don’t stress it.