Coming Down Bad!

I drove Nicholas to his mother’s, he asked me to. He said he was leaving and that it was over. Tim had been too weird. He didn’t know what was wrong. Tim didn’t want to tell him. Or, what Tim told him didn’t make any sense. Anyway, he knew he was sick of it.

I didn’t need to know any more.

It’s 21.25. I’m all alone to eat my Rocky Road ice cream. The day I try to make up for Tim and Nicholas’s generosity in the food department… I think you can break that covenant at certain, often glorious, times in your life, but in the end we are all alone.

I can’t be with Tom when he is going through this harrowing, life threatening experience, he has to do it alone.

I can’t be with my mother at the end of her life, I can’t take her burden, she has to do it all alone.

Secular. What is the true meaning of secular?

Billions of sections.

It’s what makes us great and poor.

Tim’s prowling the corridors, intermittently, like he wants to talk about it. He’s turned all the lights off, mostly he is in his room. I don’t want to talk about it. The only drama re relationship break up I want to do is about my own. Otherwise, no thanks.

I’m hiding behind my computer, eating Rocky Road ice cream.

The only thing that Tim has said about Nicholas, was that it was like living with Forest Gump. Which, may prove to be more prophetic really, than Tim’s sensibility would allow. Fluke you say? I think.

(Ed note – I now think that the Forest Gump reference may have been alluding to Nicholas’s doped sensibility)

Oh how I’d like a big, pretty slow boy like Nicholas to cuddle up to at night. And I don’t know about slow, exactly, I found him more entertaining to talk to than Tim, for the most part. He told me that sad story about his mum punching the teacher, after which he had tears in his eyes. Embarrassed. Never again, he said. I reckon that Nicholas has had a really hard life and I don’t know where slow stops and lack of opportunity starts. He’s really very sweet and good natured and laid back.

Where does making up for past lost opportunities. Back to housing commission, back to his mum’s. What happened to his nurturing?

Nicholas’s a stoner, to be sure and Tim didn’t like what dope did to him in almost exactly the same way as Mark doesn’t like it in me and Luke, as even, Sophie didn’t like it in Nick, to mention just a few. Same relationship story.

Nicholas is such a breath of fresh air. He needs to be loved. I’m not saying that his mum doesn’t love him, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure she does, but loved in that normal existence kind of love. Loved kindly and nicely and beautifully. Like a long summer’s day. Patted and gazed at. Kissed. Beautiful eyes full of love, who could resist that.

What weird thing happened in Tim’s head? Something. He’s not saying.

That smile. That laugh. That good nature. That cheeky engagement with the world. Who could resist that, when all it would have taken was to treat him Kindly.

I’d certainly have cuddled him and kissed him and slipped my hand down his pants to make him purr. Some chore. Who could have resisted that?

And now it’s 22.15 and as we all know, I have to go to the tar pits tomorrow.

Nite.

I squash a moth that flew between the screen and my eyes. It smashed over my hand. That’s life.