That Josh

Hi Groots!

Well I have had a time of it. It has been all positive positive cause you've been busy but jeepers, I've had Jen Barker nonesense, lost keys (10 000-30 000 €) and the usual reports time revoltingness.

Well, you will be glad to know that Alex M and Fabian Clerkson are BOTH gettings Tadels (like a bad boy disciplinary measure on their reports) and neither are from me! Ha ha, but they deserve it. All the other teachers exchanged notes in our various meetings and muttering dangerously and lowly in German said things like "Zis Clerksohn..." and "Zees Englische Studentz... impossible!" and I was ha ha I was weak as piss and sunk quite low but they got GOT (as if a Tadel means anything! however) anyway...he he.

And Victor X who always argues and who never gives ground and who invited a friend in with him when I met him for an hour to discuss why I have the right to say enough arguing now, now we will meet outside class if you want to continue, and this friend Yannick Y started taking NOTES on me (Mr Gale never listens, never lets Victor talk... and suchlike – despite my totalitarian coaching you are here as a support person for Victor, you are in no other role, you aren't joining in, you're here to make him feel comfortable talking to me – I could have fed him to lions when I saw what he was doing, forget the content; I confiscated it and snarled breach of trust to his uncomprehending face... what the...? he undoubtedly thought), well this Victor X is going to have to leave the school because officially the rest of the teachers have prognosticated he won't scrape through. Thank God my marks have always been generous! They haven't helped him and I will have to have that conversation with his Mum this week.

Naturally of course it's always my marks that are challenged, why a 2 not a 1 – and then when we all finally DO nut our heads together it's a very different story – dum fucks all over the place. And I am weak in comparison to the German teachers. I get in trouble for not using red pen etc.

The dull life I lead.

However, I had also lost the keys, which I think you know about. That was a mega-hassle. 'Tweren't good. But the janitor rescued me by just giving another key, end. I applied for insurance against key losing immediately and should now be covered.

Then Jen Barker spiced up my life and has given me grief for the last week – sick grief. I forgot that us all going to Granada was a big secret and blabbed in my exhausted and joyful to be talking to her state that Geez I was looking forward to us being together next weekend in Espanya. She was onto it in a flash and I still I wasn't au fait what was up. Huh? How could I? I'd ruined everything! I was so selfish etc? I KNEW it was secret... etc. Well, Gav had made lovely daily hullaballoo about it and it was all a surprise destination trip thing. In a second I was public enemy Nr 1 and was still trying to catch up. It was pretty insane. I was saying sorry and don't let on, at least you don't know where etc but it only made things worse and I was under attack. Jen said nothing but "I'm really pissed off" for about 6 times and I said er, "I think I'd better call you back" and hung up. Next crime of course but I was pretty shaken up. It was all so quick.

Then (don't do this at home, it's not advised) I emailed saying that I was sorry but that I was hurt now too – how could she be acting so childishly, where's her perspective etc.

So then the next day there was the email saying you did it deliberately, you are a sad bastard, we knew you were never coming anyway, don't come, never contact me again without an apology for what you have done to me. (God this is exhausting) and me (are you keeping up) writing back that this saddened me incredibly, she was now accusing me with lies and that I repeated – it was an accidental gaff – judge that however you like, it's not undoable and hardly not human – and that she was wrong.

Since then sleeplessness in Berlin, angst, consternation, anger, sad, busy at school. But sad also that I had to now not have the great holi I was hanging for, have been for some time. So I cancelled and have mulled over it. Two nights ago I sent an email I felt was really risky – it had the (repeated) apology in it – sorry your feelings are so hurt, as let's face it friends are worth such expressions and her feelings ARE hurt (and, er, I DID blab, but shoot me) but knowing full well this could be it, the last contact with a hard nose and spited Jen – poof, gone forever. Which'd make me very sad, who cares about current carryings on. I just wrote this wasn't how I wanted it and I knew that was how she would see it too and that I think the best of her (like holding off a snarling, scratching wolfpup – am I like that for you sometimes Big One?). So very cowardly I have avoided looking for the fuck off email or the silence for the next 50 years (and she never wrote back...sniff) and there is email from you! and email from Jen! All is forgiven, retractions etc, done and dusted off as she put it. Now my test of character is not to go OFF Jen Barker so, but Jesus Christ she was vile and horrid. I'll have to make sure the long term friendship thing with her is still to prosper.

Imagine thinking I would do that as a malicious act? That IS offensive.

Saint Chris – patron saint of Nurses, multi-doofed blankets and sensibleness.

Yes, now you've mentioned this boyfriend caper for a while now. Off you go, get out there. Wish you well – usual shopping list.

When Tomi is more better (yeah!) I will do the post thing or email thing, but I think he might not be able to read it or it'll be exhausting. Maybe via you.

Ab coming UNREAL!!! I will email her.

Yes well, babies. I'm just trying to catch up with Bern there as there's been movement. I always seem to be babysitting for friends and having pink pudgy little arms smeared/slung around my neck...hmmm. I reckon Utte should get up the duff but she wants me to poke her. Cold chill....

Yes, this Australian caper is getting VERY attractive – waiting would also be fine and be there in head and soul for 4 months or so. If it doesn't break up the Bern-Josh thing then for 6 months, which'd fit in with contracts etc. I sent off applications last week and have interviews for next week for teaching English etc – poorly paid, but if rent and airfare, food, green and etc are paid for I'll have freedom of movement and just say I won't be here from X-Y thank you Miss Fothergrey and I'll scamper off to the homeland.

Emilio, the scamp, has been calling for long talks. He wants me to be his boyfriend I think – I can't say to him we hardly know each other. So I cross my fingers and reflect about my thoughts of occasion to his donger and say, yes, I really do miss you (thinking, have missed you, have), while trying to remember what his face looked like exactly. Vaguely even. I DID say, I have a boyfriend in Germany, but having two, I sometimes think would be nice – thinking, is that the sound of breaking heart-halves I hear, tinkling down the line? No I say, Emilio is 40 and a big boy. Nonetheless he seems similarly excited by a longer stay and I have to think er does he think I'm coming for him? It's Chris Fletcher, Fitzroy and extasy dance parties doll, with Montsalvating on the side and trying to shake people up a bit that we DON'T HAVE TO VOTE HIM (Howard the Duck) IN AGAIN YOU KNOW? that inspires me. He is a fuck.

OK that's it I think. We have a lovely and delectable Brazilian staying with us and next week after Friday it's a week's holiday. Now Spain, but at least all is forgiven (...).

Keep yer wick up, and er yes, the writer illustrator bit is very romantic but at least it's carte blanche for a lot of employment carrying on, heh?

Josh of Berlin