“Painful parades in a parent’s paradise,” said Alex, disagreeably. “Count me out.”
Dancing classes where a high priority on a rounded education of a teenage grammar boy’s agenda. Some where the parents can see their children dance in a re-enactment of their youth, I suspect, as a yard stick of their parenting skills.
All the boys took to it without so much as a whimper, they got to dance with our sister school’s female pupils, so, what was there not to like.
Except Alex, he just wouldn’t engage, when it came to dance classes. He lived by the motto, Look good in what you do. So, if he felt he couldn’t look good in what he was doing, it was natural for him just not to do it.
Of course, no one two-stepped quite as enthusiastically, as Adam. No boy’s shirt was ever quite starched so perfectly, no boy’s bowtie was ever quite so well creased, as Adam’s. He gasped and squealed with all the girls on queue. I kind of wondered if Adam would butch up with the female presence, the universe knows that all the other boys suddenly had bright eyes and a need to flex. No, it just seemed to give Adam licence to be as girly… as a real girl. Safety in numbers.
Some boys have a secret in their crisp white collars and striped ties and their chests puffed out. I fear the secret, but less than not having the boys near. I know the rules. I admit, I look at them, I gaze at them, but that isn’t me, somebody else is in command.
It was so unlike Alex, not to join in, he was a full-on “school” boy. He was vice-school captain, after all. He was usually up for anything that furthered his educational career. Admittedly, it was always glory on the sports field, usually. Or academically. At speech night, he was usually winning rather than helping. He only joined the debating team when he was scamming the vice-captaincy. Say the right thing, do the right thing and Alex was there. Nobody schmoozed better. But artistically, he just didn’t engage.
Alex’s only dance was the dance of success.
I was a keen member of the bush walking team and the school orchestra, both artistic pursuits. Alex was the captain of the cricket and football teams and a champion debater, more hard-arsed, analytical.
Apparently, I was a keen member of the ballroom dancing team, also. Truthfully, I only did it because Adam gushed about it, it sounded like a useful tool to have. I so pictured all the uncles at weddings who couldn’t dance and who just looked like knobs. I so didn’t want to be one of them. Besides, I wasn’t doing anything else on Saturday night.
I didn’t care if Alex wasn’t there, in fact, if anything, it was better for me if he wasn’t. I could just be me, if he wasn’t around, no distractions.
We all gathered to rehearse in Smithton’s decrepit school hall, on Saturday afternoons. I often went with Adam, we’d sleep over at each other’s houses. Why that didn’t give me away, I’ll never know. Our father's were big knobs on the dad's council and somehow it was thought by that association that Adam and I were some kind of old family friends. Our dad's were best mates, who single-handedly built school camps and halls and building's, etc, blah, blah, blah. It was kind of true, but not really. Adam and I were just friends all the way through school, we came through from the junior school, where the majority of boys start in year 7. We were Smithton old timers.
We were always just friends. We never acted gay, as far as we were ever concerned. Later, we both had girlfriends. Adam’s dating disasters are legendary. He’s the only guy I know who, in the end, had to be sat down by all his friends and told he was gay. Adam never accepted that he was gay, until late in life, despite being a screamer all the way through.
The hall was grey. The old wooden seats must have some stories to tell, I remember thinking. They were cold and I squirmed around for a while to get warm.
Hands up, Pride of Erin.
Those in charge were too busy organising, to see the boys were all pointing their toes and bending at the hip, with wide eyes that were taking it all in.
The Smithton teachers seemed to be nervous about the girl’s presence; the boys were all perfectly behaved – maybe it was the house masters who were getting hot under the collar at pubescent, girl flesh. (it occurred to me years later)
Step two, three, grab your partner and twirl.
On show night, I couldn’t take my eyes off my handsome school mates, all dressed up in black tie. It was very confusing, a blow to winning the battle. Andrew Johnson and Craig Cameron took my breath away.
Spin your partner, round and round.
There was always such camaraderie amongst all us boys, after we’d been successful in a show the night before. We were all suddenly great mates, friends forever… going places, doing things, I guess. It was the same after a week at school camp, it was the same after the big production at the end of the year. I always played in the orchestra, of course. We were always on a high. We were on a high after the ballroom dancing big night.
We were all in the corridor, before school, basking in the glow of our success, when I caught Alex, out of the corner of my eye, enter through the very end door.
My locker was full of crap, I couldn’t find the book I needed. I’d hardly spoken to him, or seen him, since…
“Good morning,” beamed Alex, no doubt, as I had my back to him and couldn’t see him. But, I could hear it in his voice, Alex perfected sunny.
People said hello and Alex and Dominic A. began to talk about the home work that they had supposed to have had done for later in the day. Alex reassured his team mate not to worry.
“Hello,” said Alex’s voice, close up to the back of my head, so I could be in no doubt who he was addressing.
Later in life, I would register this moment as a significant meeting, where I would turn and take my lovers lips in mine and kiss him passionately. Some where deep down in the being that I was, at that moment, a blank slate, I still think there was a feeling of this.
I looked sideways. “Hello.” I smiled, I was aware of my face moving. I felt warm inside.
Alex smiled nervously, it was unbecoming on him. Alex smiled brightly, when I did. That adult chill, the one that runs through your stomach, after meeting a lover after an absence, ran through my stomach all the way down to my toes, without me ever recognising it for what it was.
“How was last night? asked Alex. “Were you brilliant?”
I was having trouble finding my book for class, suddenly I was thinking that I didn’t have it.
“You should have come, found out for yourself.”
“Wasn’t it great?”
“It was brilliant.” I looked up at him. “You should have come.” He moved his head side to side, as if to intimate he couldn’t decide and was torn.
Alex’s locker was directly above mine, he had the advantage of the height. He was organised long before I was, as I searched in vain. He got his books, closed his locker door and bent down to me.
“I didn’t get to dance with you,” whispered Alex.
You know, I think that was one of the first times that I noticed Alex’s insincerity. It was Alex speak, directed at me, as I’d caught him do to others. He gave me the most advantageous answer, to him, that he could, in the absence of any true feeling about the topic. In reality, it meant nothing to him.
He smiled his famous smile and disappeared into class and didn’t quite catch that I didn’t buy it.
Book found I headed to the classroom door, when Alex’s head reappeared.
“Tonight?”
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