Friday Night Escape to the Country

Friday night escape to the country

Beck and I walked up Bourke Street together, just as I was smsing Rachel with my tsunamis joke – the one about the surf classic being won by an Indonesian on a wardrobe. I was heading back to Myer to buy some new work shoes. I went last night, but spent too long in the underwear department, gazing at the pictures and giving the eye to a gay couple, one of who was giving me the eye

The sock department Myer-lady was really lovely, old time shop assistant up for a chat. I heard about her kids, as she hunted for pure cotton socks for me. Nothing was too much trouble.

The bloke in the shoe department was named Andrew. As he was off getting me the required pair, I recognised his voice. When he came back, I said, Are you Andrew, my ex L’s friend. He kind of recoiled and stumbled over his words.

“L…ah…from New Zealand?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Oh, I don’t have any contact with him.”

Andrew and L cheated behind their respective b/f’s backs.

I’d been to Andrew’s house, for goodness’ sake.

I said who I was, but he seemingly kept his distance after that. It was as though I had conjured the spirit of distant past and he didn’t like it. So, he got me my various pairs of shoes and he managed to fit them in silence.

Then when we were done, he asked if I still lived in Fitzroy?

So, you do know who I am. [2005] “Yes,” I said. [02/07/2026]

Then, when I was doing my last yes-wrap-them-I’ll-take-them sashay down the (red) carpet, I pulled my phone out of my pocket in response to its beep to see where it had clicked over to from all my standing and sitting and there on the screen was L’s name. Don’t you just love that shit? [2005] You can’t write about the coincidences that happen in real life, no one would believe you. [02/07/2026]

I bought myself a brand new pair of 501’s, not, of course, on sale and another pair which looked good too, only a little discounted, avoiding the fad jeans that would date quicker than Kylie’s latest hit.

My shopping expertise and impeccable good taste seemed to have left me, from neglect, probably. But then I saw a shirt that I liked and then another, this goes with that, and that with that, and once I got going there seemed to be no stopping me – it all comes back like riding a fucking bike.

Five hundred bucks later I was wondering up Lonsdale Street struggling under the weight, as the rain started to sprinkle the world lightly, like fine dusting of icing sugar on the top of a Victoria Sponge.

But I did feel somewhat lightened of the burden of life, more able to make life-changing decisions, like clean up my wardrobe and get my house in order, so a little retail therapy is a good thing. Fancy that I’d scoffed at it for so long – a direct correlation to my meanness with money to be sure.

Mark called to see where I was, as I was struggling past the catholic university, as he and Luke were about to start a movie and if I was just down the road they’d wait for me.

Ab said that we all need to do a little retail therapy once in a while and that she didn’t ever see me ever fritter my money away – such a nice way to say that I was tight.

I called Tom to see if he wanted to come to Bolago, but he wasn’t inclined to allow himself to be at Bolago without a car and means of escape. Maybe he’d drive up on Sunday.

I called Lottie back as she’d lost my work number and it seemed to be troubling her on the message that she had left. The tickets that we searched for on Wednesday night, the ones that she thought Auntie P would think she was dopey for losing, hadn’t even arrived yet. She’d found out after she’d plucked up the courage to call P to find out. I’d see her Monday night for our first MTC play of the year.

I spoke to Manny as I packed my stuff up for the country. He been to the gym and was home preparing his meals. Tuna and rice, of course. We agreed to see each other Sunday, but, of course, we turned each other on and we discussed me dropping in on my way through to Bolago, leaving it in my court finally to make the decision. Manny didn’t mind either way, but I could tell he was keen.

As I approached the freeway at 22.15, I called to say that I was too tired and that I was going to keep going to the country. He’d obviously got himself all prepared and he sounded a little disappointed. He does that thing where he says, I’ll leave it up to you and if I don’t see you within the next half hour, I’ll know you’re not coming. When he wants me to do something he never concedes, he just puts it back onto me. So, when I found myself sitting against the bonnet of the car – I got out to have a smoke as I talked – in Brunswick Road rubbing my hard-on…

I didn’t want to get to Bolago after mid-night, but I wanted Manny too.

And I was only, at that stage, five minutes away from him, so I let the car decide for me and within minutes I was at his door. I didn’t even need to knock, he heard me approaching. We ripped each other’s clothes off and were kissing in seconds. (It was 11.11 as we kneeled on the bed with spoofy cocks) And then I was putting my clothes back on and was going. Manny held out his hand and joked that that would be fifty bucks and I told him he was cheap.

I was back in the car and on the freeway by 23.20.

I hit our road at 23.59 and was at our front gate at 12.04. Not bad going. The Peugeot purred as it tore through the night.

Have Been Very Crabby All Week

I’d say happy!

christian

I've been the sickest I’ve been in the last 24hrs, thrown up 6 times, slept about 18 hrs

L Tom

Oh...not so happy. Bugger!

christian

SMS. 16.06. New email as hotmail not working – Rachel

SMS. 16.08. Bugger…pushed the wrong button. rlevine@yahoo.com. How r u? – Rachel

SMS. 16.09. So, what is it? – christian

SMS. 16.15. I’m good. Just feeling human today. Have been very crabby all week. And tired – christian

SMS. 16.16. 2 much speed gets the body down after a while, eh? I am mentally fucked after 24hrs of hearing about psychotic niece! – Rachel

Leah

Heard any good tsunami jokes?

christian

I felt better today, back to feeling human. Yay! No more tired and grumpy. No more running out of energy late afternoon.

It was good that Rachel’s got a new email address, by the look of things. Maybe she didn’t get my emails where I fessed up to drugs on Sunday afternoon. He, he!

Rachel

So, a new email address. Maybe that explains why you haven’t got my emails over the last few days.

christian

I was just checking my emails and was on my way to bed. Aby was watching Nip Tuck, as I was, but I was getting a little bored with it. I guess it is a cumulative thing, like all good soaps. Missy Cat was playing on the windowsill, it was quiet and still.

SMS. 22.41. (Rachel) It says you have no such account, little miss liar! – christian

SMS. 22.49. Hi Christian, I am at Chos 262 Brunswick Street now – Shel

SMS. 22.53. What’s Choys? – christian

SMS. 22.53. Choi’s bar and restaurant, come and join us – Shel

SMS. 22.55. I’m at XX X Street – christian

SMS. 22.57. There is 5 of us. Do you have alcohol? – Shel

SMS. 22.57. Nip/Tuck is on – christian

SMS. 22.59. Who’s us? – christian

SMS. 22.59. One sister, one brother, on sister in-law, one brother in-law – Shel

SMS. 23.02. My dead father is propped up in a chair. My mother is masturbating next to him – christian

SMS. 23.03. The thing is I’m in bed – christian

SMS. 23.04. We’ll join in! – Shel

SMS. 23.05. Clearly u don’t need an more alcohol – christian

SMS. 23.06. I’ll join you! – Shel

SMS. 23.09. Now you’re talking! Do you want to have a baby? – christian

SMS. 23.10. A little Shelsa? – christian

SMS. 23.15. My pussy is purring! – christian

When I asked Aby how you spelt pussy, she said that just proved that I was gay.

Funny how straights always think we need proof? Ha ha!

SMS. 23.16. Mine has cobwebs! – Shel

SMS. 23.20. Ginger cobwebs? – christian

SMS. 23.20. Fucking memories! – Shel

SMS. 23.26. Cunt out of order? Show it some meat and it might snap at it and spit the cobwebs out – christian

SMS. 23.28. My mouth is full! – Shel

SMS. 23.31. Lucky you! Just keep sucking – christian

SMS. 23.32. Never stopped! – Shel

SMS. 23.37. Can’t remember the last time my mouth was full…oh, yes I can. Big smile – christian

New Pills... a Tonic?

Tom

I thought I was feeling ravenously hungry, unusually so. I was beginning to feel weak and not able to concentrate because of it. A bit shaky, a bit thrown, it was odd. Even eating didn't help much. I was beginning to wonder what the hell was wrong with me.

How quickly we forget.

christian

Hello – how is Missy going?

Tim

She's fine, settling in. When I got home last night, Aby was in her room (your old room) sitting on the floor with her B/F Rob and another friend and Missy was lying in the middle with everyone patting her as they chatted. So, I thing she's doing just fine.

christian

That’s my Missy.... I haven’t yet found a home – thought Helen would but she's moving to Malvern and renting – will keep looking though. If your home on the weekend I would love to pop over and say hello – I’m having a quiet one... Not going out at all…

Tim

At this stage I should be home, unless I go to Bolago. But I don't think I will, as they are in Byron Bay.

christian

Mark called me as I drove over to mum’s, it was good to hear his voice. They had just got back, he and Luke. Byron was packed with people, crowded. They’d visited Benjamin Gamin and Alex in their million dollar mansion over looking the sea, only once for a few hours. It fronts right onto the beach, apparently. Lovely, het? They went to King’s Beach a few times, they had a good time, but mostly they hung out with Ros and Mike.

I said I’d go up on the weekend.

Mum and I were talking about when I went overseas. Mum said it was after the war, wasn’t it? She didn’t seem to get it when I said "no" that was her. 

"You went overseas after the war mum, not me."

She said she can’t be relied on any more. So, I think she knows.

Hey Christian

Hope your day was okay.

I want to see (disliked doctor’s name) today – only doc available – and he gave me new pills TWO anti-biotics, and I have to say, it's only been 8 hours but right now I feel pretty good.

I don't know whether to be cross or happy!

xT 

When You're Sick You're Sick

SMS. 7.52. What’s your name again? – Angelo

SMS. 7.54. Christian – christian

SMS. 7.54. Thought it was, just making sure – Angelo

Missy's happy and well. I put her on my bed to sleep last night, but she slept in the wardrobe instead. She's still sniffing out her new environment, but she seems quite calm and not too stressed.

christian

Thank you so much... She has a bit of a wardrobe fetish. Thanks for helping me out by looking after her – I will let you know as soon as I have found a new home for her. Kiss Kiss...

Tim

Don't stress, she's a gorgeous cat. You know, yesterday I thought that I should just keep her, as I did, I looked down at my black T-shirt and jeans to see that I was completely covered in cat fur - of course, she is probably malting more so than usual from being stressed - but I guess that is the reason for me not really wanting a cat.

But she is absolutely no problem, so just when you can. Don't stress about it.

christian

I nearly died when she came out of the box and saw that hair.... It may be her losing her winter coat – She roughed herself up a bit on the way over in that box... I tell ya!!

Tim

Mark and Luke

Are you back yet?

christian

Hey Christian.

Hope your day is going as well as can be expected J

I hope I didn't upset you in that conversation Christian.

xT

My day is progressing... and I feel quite fine, all things considering.

How are you feeling? Good, I hope.

No, you didn't upset me, nothing like that, not at all, not for a minute. I guess I railed against all the people who are a shelf down in intelligence and personal responsibility to you. It wasn't a drama, at all. I was more surprised at my own tornado in writing it and I decided that i don't have to defend Mark he is a big boy now. So, I guess that is a good thing.

So, one hour down, blah, blah to go. Of course, I was 20 minutes late, so the first hour has gone fast. He, he.

christian

I'm glad it’s you and not me (in the worst possible way) that has to be somewhere. I slept from 9 last night till 8 this morning. I feel "okay".

Off to Sydders tomorrow!

xT

Should I be more worried about that and you than I have been of you and the last week?

christian

Nah not at all Sydney is quiet times for me these days

J Tom

Probably just as well at this particular point in time. Hey?

christian

definitely just as well.

Tom

Lucky you. I wish I was heading off to Sydney for a week, right about now. A lazy week in the Emerald City to start the New Year, taking in the sights, enjoying the Harbour Cities particular beauty would be lovely.

When are you back?

christian

I'm back next Wednesday J

Tom

I don’t think I am well enough to go!

Tom

Probably best, miss. Probably best. (And hardly surprising, I say very quietly)

christian

absolutely hardly surprising I’ve been sick since the 16th

i KNOW thats wot u mean

if u are trying to imply that u know an alternative future based on my experiences of the last three weeks, please enlighten me with proof

Tom

The first reason... and I know by the second why I said it very quietly.

christian

hmph

Tom

Well Miss, if you're sick, you are sick.

christian

Miss

Caroline says I'm getting better, because when we talked on the phone tonight, I laughed, giggles and grunted without coughing, so therefore

(A) I must be getting better because i NEVER laugh when crappy

AND

(B) I have the lungs to do it with

I like that forecast.

I still think that i won't be able to go, but that's life.  As a wise man once said to me today, if you're sick, you're sick.

You know, I really enjoyed my time at Perry's.

"Perhaps" the second day was a little excessive, but truly Christian, I can't tell you the last time I was cuddled and cuddled for hours.

I can actually, Beyond July.

Even though it's "possible" that the price I paid for that cuddling was Sydney, I'm not sure I didn't get a good deal.

I'm a fragile little petal, as you well know, and hands on my body and love poured into me does me an immeasurable world of good.

I stress the world "cuddle" because I swear Josh (O’Grady), I may have had an erection for 20 mins of the 24 hour total in the boudoir.  Really most I could do was just lie there and kiss and be kissed.  Every now and then I was able to be on top of either of them, and both once, but only for short times (soft dicked of course).

I was really glad to connect with Shane (Gates) too, who has never remembered me, and actually only threw out the offer on Jan 1 pragmatically because the other option was them going to Club 80 or the sauna, and I was close.

He feels differently now – apparently, I'm THE Tom even when I'm almost dead Tom. (Actually, THAT Tom is who I am now).

I have to laugh at how easy it is to please people off their faces – I won't him them to it, but they told me they were their BEST EVER threesome – and I didn't do anything!!

Too funny.

(Well, kissing Shane for hours and fisting Josh to my elbow do count as something I guess)

So, I think if that's the trade I made (re: Sydney), I'm okay with that.

Hope your day okay, and I'm sorry I got grumpy with you earlier.  You are my best friend and you don't deserve nasty.

Love Tom

I think a trade of the weekend of Josh and Shane is a better deal than Sydney, if that's how it pans out. I know which I'd rather do! Although, predictably, Josh may be a little fat for me, to tell you the truth. And I only say that because I'm kind of surprised by it, him being a health professional and all... I thought he'd be into being fit, no healthy, I suppose. I guess that's what love does to you, so it must be grand. Lovely really, in all truth.

I haven't judged you once for the weekend, I can truthfully say. Probably too out of it, to be sure. Love is a great healer, facilitator of health. Threesomes and love, I have had a little experience. There is still a part of me that thinks threesomes are good for the soul – I don't just mean a shag at the sauna, of course – the combined energy of three relationships is very powerful and so unlike any two-way with only one relationship. To be touched is to be healed. To be loved is to be made invincible. To share so easily makes us all better people.

I'd trade Sydney for cuddles any day. (Even though I know that's not quite your point) And I've always known that Josh is a lovely, caring, interested, genuine bloke. (I'm starting to practice my decision to write bloke instead of guy) And now, I guess, I know Shane a little better too.

I had a lovely time at Perry's myself, it is gorgeous to gather the tribe and be so relaxed and so at peace with the world, in our own happy group. To laugh and to have fun is a powerful tonic.

My first thought this morning was that I wanted to go back and do it all again.

And the "when you're sick you're sick" comment is nothing I don't practise myself. E.g. Beyond. It's a truth, I meant it in no other way.

You're still THE TOM to me.

And, I'm not sure if this is good or bad, I didn't realise that you got crabby with me this afternoon. Actually, I guess I did, but didn't take it on as a serious thing. I'm a big boy regarding nasty.

Big smile.

christian

yes.

Josh is a bit fat, isn’t he?

Hard to pay him attention with Shane getting into you, let me tell ya

J Tom

Regarding Josh... I still have that picture of him and David (Heller) on the dance floor at Cadillac bar being incredibly beautiful naughty boys. (amongst other) There was an aura about them that was sublime, no magical. Quintessential. I'm not really sure why, but it is one of my fondest memories. (I guess that is drug fuel experiences for ya) But I think it is one of the reasons why I'm surprised when I see him now. He's just not a fat person in my mind, which is the contradiction, like car sickness; eyes playing tricks with the brain. He never will be, I guess, in some strange kind of way. He'll always be handsome

Christian.

he still is handsome josh J

Tom

That is what I said.

christian

i am agreeing with u J

Tom

Just as well!

christian

I know!

Tom

Good!

christian

You know how I told you that Manny called me about 7pm Saturday to say he was coming over and the next thing I knew, his handsome face was close to mine saying wake up. It was a gorgeous moment, as I came out of slumber. Well…

He said to me tonight that he had lay there for a while and was talking to me and I was answering him. I guess I should actually keep this to myself but, he asked me if I loved him and I answered yes.

christian

he's fucking with your head and i know u *do* love him... he just should have asked u if u were IN LOVE with him

Tom

He’ll probably turn out to be one of the great disappointments of my life, that boy.

christian

only if u don’t pull yr head out of his arse every now and then to take a look see

Tom

beyond jan 29?

So close to perfection. As if I needed any more proof, there is no god!

christian

Yes to Beyond

Good.

Tom

SMS. 21.54. Apparently, you were dancing to the shit music too – D

SMS. 21.56. I don’t understand? – christian

D called a few minutes later to say that the had just been discussing the music at Witness Protection and despite my protests to the contrary, I was dancing up a storm all night.

I'm Sorry...?

D called to say that he could arrange sex with Paul Henry - that super hot guy dressed just in jeans from the last party. D was business like, no problem. Straightforward proposition. Easy. Paul will be into it.

Who? What? Oh. I’d ogled Paul at the party. I’d forgotten until D’s call. I mean… huh...? I was just commenting to D, afterwards. Perving. Really, I was. I can do such things myself, if need be.

D’s intentions are nearly always from the purest of places, but now and again he throws me. He said that I had to do something for him in return for the hook up.

“What?” I said.

“You have to give me Manny.”

“Manny? Manny? My Manny?” I said. I was completely taken aback, not expecting that for a minute. I was lost for words.

Manny had said that he has been smiling at the wog-boy who opens D’s salon in the morning when Manny is passing on his way to work. I thought it sounded like the other guy who works there. But D said that it was him and that he knew who Manny was. 

I said that he has slicked-back hair. 

D said he looks like an Italian Stallion, and not Greek at all. 

I said, Maybe that’s him.

“Well, that would be up to Manny and not up to me,” I feebly said, still trying to find the words to use. 

But, now I have had some time to think about it and my answer should have been, No! No way! Manny is mine. Sorry! And even if I split up with him, D, you can keep the hell away from him anyway.

I think I'm pissed off about it now.

I will say this to D, at an appropriate moment. 

For fucks sake!

I'm Standing You Up

The morning started off well, but in the usual post New Year fashion it deteriorated by the minute, fairly rapidly as the day progressed.

Translation – I felt okay when I first opened my eyes, but it was downhill from there.

I was up and ready to join my oldest girl friends at a swish lunch for a New Year get together, of sorts. (Literally, my girl friends from when we were all teenagers together, Leah being my, actual, girlfriend at the time) Shel was over from Perth, I hadn’t seen her in years. She moved to London in her twenties, and moved back to Perth after twelve years, never making it back to Melbourne.

Tom called me back and said that they were all sitting around at Perry and Wes’ gently, smoking j’s, why didn’t I come down and join them.

The alternative was sitting in a restaurant looking at a fifty dollar plus meal that I wouldn’t touch, as sober people asked me a million questions. Not to mention vague, shaky and uncommunicative – it would all have been a chore, for all concerned.

So, I sent a cancelling sms to test the water.

I was feeling guilty about my decision, but if you have not experienced that post-new year come down off drugs haze, you will never understand how that state doesn’t mix with people who are not in the same state as you. Very quickly the whole world can become tedious and wearing and juxtaposed.

They were fine. To be expected, quite frankly. They were worldly, they’d been around enough gay boys. Yadder, yadder, yadder.

(Actually, in the years to come it would be proven they were no alright with me cancelling out on this long planned new year’s get together, and, in fact, I would go as far to say this was, in fact, one item on a list of items that broke mine and Leah’s friendship… but, that is some years off from this point)

I got to Perry and Wesley’s at about 1pm. All the enthusiasts, having eaten and slept, were, naturally, starting to talk about their next "does" of fun and “procurement” was the name of the game. The first person who comes up with a speed deal… wins… THE CAR AND THE HOLIDAY.

I so wasn’t going to partake, that wasn’t in my scheme of things. I thought that I’d have a couple of j’s and venture off to lunch. That was my thinking on the whole thing.

SMS. 13.15. How can you break my heart? – Shel

SMS. 13.18. Easy, you’re a girl – Christian

SMS. 13.19. Kidding, happy New Year my darling – Christian

SMS. 13.19. Easy is correct! However my heart is still broken! – Shel

SMS. 13.28. I’m here waiting for u…Are u in Melb? At lunch? – Christian

SMS. 13.23. I really want to see you – Shel

SMS. 13.29. I am at lunch now – Shel

SMS. 13.39. Please come! – Shel

SMS. 13.53. Please come! – Shel

I turned my phone off.

Then nobody was forth coming, none had the goods. Everyone was coming up empty handed. They even made me “call the dealer I knew”, even though I didn’t want to. I never have before, for such things and never on a holiday, but everyone else had. So I had to be a sport, against my better judgement.

Guido’s phone was not taking calls. Of course, Guido and whoever have bigger party habits than any of us, on such occasions.

It crossed my mind to leave and go to lunch, as this quest was rapidly becoming a no-go and I could see it all ending in disappointment and tedium. Tears before bed time. I should go and do what it was that I was supposed to be doing.

Then Guido came good.

Perry, Josh and Shane Beaman left for somewhere, leaving me, Wesley, Tom, D an I at home. It was going to take them an hour. I’m glad it wasn’t me who was going, as we lazily waved them goodbye sitting on the back deck in the sun – dappled for me, as the sun was burning hot, as the other’s would soon find out, before we all moved inside.

Now this brings me to a curious point. I had decided that I wouldn’t play with Wesley anymore? He’s gorgeous but in a relationship, which makes it a dicey proposition anyway. And it is tacky if one person is playing a game. Time to stop playing such games.

I’d also decided not to flirt with Shane B as well, mostly because of Tom, who said he was having a mini love affair of his own with Shane B. It smacked too much of Shane and Jason. But it had been hard, as Shane B had changed just into boxer shorts, not long after I got there. The sun was hot.

But also, I must say this, that the total of all of this behaviour is really only just good old fashioned flirting, not to make too much of a drama out of it. I process stuff too much. I think I like the mind experience as much as I like the physical. So such days take me on my very own journeys with in my head.

However, when we moved inside, I stood up at the fireplace with Tom, who was coughing fiendishly, D lay down on the sheepskin, in front of the fire place. Wesley was wondering about, busy. D and Tom couldn’t see Wesley very well. We all chatted, of course, as Wesley walked.

Then I noticed that Wesley, who was looking gorgeous dressed only in cream shorts, no shirt, seemed to have an erection, or maybe a cock-ring that made him look as though he had an erection. It looked good either way and I couldn’t help looking, breaking my newly decided upon vow. Wesley didn’t seem to be at all unhappy. In fact, I would venture to say that he seemed far more relaxed with Perry’s absence. He wandered around with a… I could say excited, I could say turned-on, I could say vacant, look on his face. Intense and flushed. He was giving me sideways looks, as he checked on me checking him out. He wasn’t embarrassed, in fact, if anything, he looked quite pleased as, more often than not, and it could be a complete coincidence, he positioned himself so that I could see him and Tom and D couldn’t. His cock had that semi-circular bend out to it, which pushed out against his shorts and the fly cover seemed to be positioned open and away from the zip itself, like it had been rubbed at. And if I wanted any proof that this wasn’t all going on in my head, he’d kind of rub his wrist nearly, not quite against, particularly after he’d seen me looking. He stood behind the couch somewhat out of Tom and D’s view, face-on to me, so I could gaze freely. He just smiled as he stood there, allowing me to gaze. He looked so hot that I wanted to eat him. I just stared at it and then looked up at his smiling face. He even looked down at it a couple of time, as if to emphasise the point. He liked it as much as I did, I reckon.

This blissful moment was obliterated when Tom, who had headed up the hallway to the bathroom, had a coughing-fit of such intensity that he collapsed on the floor out cold.

SMS. 16.16. Still at Pelican Bar! Where are you? – Shel

SMS. 16.56. Metropole Bar – Shel

17.00, the scouts returned victorious.

Wesley seemed to cover up as soon as Perry got back.

The bags were quickly opened and dispensed. Woo-hoo! And so we settled into chatting and partaking for the rest of the evening. Our tribe, relaxing as they know best. Laughing and chatting, happy and contented in our own world. I love those days.

We all sat around the table chatting. Perry made suggestions when the conversation died down too low.

“Just to raise the bar of the conversation,” he’d say with his customary grin.

Just slightly off the point, I must say that if I won millions in tattslotto I would so know how to spend it.

The afternoon slipped away. We didn’t notice the time until a friend’s daughter R called from just outside Sydney. It was 7pm. She had been with us in the morning and Perry had given her and her girlfriend a little something each in preparation of their drive to the Queensland coast. They’d left just after 1pm.

Shane Beaman, but as he sat next to me at the table reclining back on one chair with his legs over Josh’s knees, I couldn’t help but gaze at him. I wished that he’d go and put his blue jeans back on from the day before, but alas he had tracksuit pants on and that glorious bulge was not nearly apparent. He saw me looking at his crotch and smiled. I was hesitant at first, but the intensity of his eye contact was hot and made it obvious that he enjoyed it. So, as I gazed at his bulge, I imagined him in his jeans, him with an erection, him naked, how beautiful his cock might be. He held my gaze and smiled. I let him watch as I dropped my eyes to his cock and back again. I stare longingly at his cock and he was clearly turned on. And then when I gazed over at him, he dropped his eyes to my cock and then looked back at me. It was hot, you know, in a sitting around in the afternoon kind of clandestine way.

And I don’t think anyone noticed, as I kept my rule to always look at the person who was talking. Maybe only Wesley noticed, as I caught his gaze post-Shane-viewing, at one stage. It made me realise that I had dumped Wesley for Shane, hardly giving Wesley any attention during the evening, while Shane was there. It made me feel bad. I hope he wasn’t disappointed. Silly the things you think.

I want to go back and do it all again!

SMS. 21.01. R U alive? – Shel

I turned my phone back on some time after midnight when I left.

New Year's Day

The party was full of flirty boys. All of them, everyone. Actually, it made it so easy to tell the straight boys from the gay boys. My crotch watching worked a dream. I danced, for pretty much, the whole night getting lots of smiles… before I danced off into the dark.

I got a bit over it by 6am because my feet got sore. I wonder if that was the shoes I was wearing, or if it was the walk I did, Friday night. Not sure. Then there was a little procrastination regarding the leaving. We were leaving at 6am, everybody seemed to be ready but couldn’t get their acts together. And by the time it was decided, it was 6.45 so then the decision was to stay to stumps, 7am.

Now don’t get me wrong, my sore feet were the only reason that I was ready to leave. Annoying sore feet. I didn’t want to stay till 7am, throb, throb.

Oh, and the Led Zeppelin song the DJ was playing at the end. How many people said, You know what, I like this song but I can’t dance to it.

I chatted to Nick Hill, towards the end, which was nice. Lovely Nick Hill, I never get to chat with him enough.

D, Wendy, Mark W., Shane and I got to Perry and Wesley’s about 7.30am. D drove. Perry, Wesley, Christopher C., Suzy, Mark and Sharnie, Josh O’Grady and Shane Beaman were there.

You know, the usual suspects, pretty much.

I’ve never really thought about Shane (Beaman) being sexy and handsome before. I mean, I guess I have, but without any consequence, if you know what I mean. I always just thought of him as Josh’s boyfriend, in a sense. Kind of… not really, but I’m sure you get my point. I’m not sure what has changed. He’s had his long hair cut off, which would make a big difference to me, as I don’t really think of long hair on boys as sexy. Maybe, he’s a little older. He’s quite possibly put on a tiny bit of weight. Whatever?

The light steamed in through the French doors all morning. Gold, broken, bright, sublime light. A gentle day, things were sideways, don't get me wrong, but gently so. No stress, no demands, just relax.

As Shane sat at the table, he looked like a super-model, with his legs resting up on the table, practically lying out flat. His shirt was open at the bottom exposing his bare stomach, the bulge in his jeans was fantastic, big and round. He looked sexy and beautiful. I couldn’t help sneaking peaks at him, or more to the point, sneaking peaks at the gorgeous bulge in his pants. I was captivated. I tried not to let him see that I was looking at him, but after I while, I decided that I didn’t care if he saw. Then I just looked unashamedly.

The conversation was quite lively around the table, I was having trouble keeping up, let me tell you. So it was easy for me to look wherever I wanted, as nobody was really taking any notice. Well, that’s what I think, that’s what drug-fucked head games allow me to think. I have no idea really. Maybe they all noticed, maybe I'm as obvious as dog's balls, who knows… but my feeling is that they didn’t.

I have a new vow, if I am playing with somebody, discreetly, the best way to stop it being obvious is to always look at the person who is speaking. That way I get to look quite significantly around the room and still get to gaze at whatever I want in between.

Perry notices when I play with Wesley, I think. I often look to Perry to see how intent and fixed his inquiring look is, so as to judge my own. He never misses if I’m gazing at someone. Sharp as a drugged out tack.

Shane was sitting along from me to the left with someone in between he and I, not sure who now. So he had to look in my direction as he chatted to whoever it was, whenever they spoke.

And then he was looking at me, out of the corner of his eye as he chatted to whoever. He’d noticed me looking. His face flushed the faintest hue of red – just a slight glow – but it was the eyes that gave it away – intent, fixed, staring, with a flush of wantonness, maybe the slightest hint of a smile. Oh yes, he’d noticed my admiration. And from where I was sitting, adrenalin rushing in my bloodstream and his bloodstream, withstanding, he didn’t mind at all. I mean, what gay boy minds being admired, especially when he’s on the max. I could say that he was quite taken with it, but, of course, that is just my reality, got to remember. Could be dodgy, sure. But, he was distracted from the conversation, looking over at me intently, as he chatted. He kept his eye on me as my eyes slipped down to his magnificent bulge and back up to his gaze again. He was watching as I did.

Shane and Josh retired to their bedroom not long after that. As Shane passed me by, he squeezed my shoulder and said, “I’ll see you later.”

Nice, but you know, I don’t play with couples, just not my thing anymore. I want the other person all to myself, now a days. Besides, Josh is a good friend.

It was just nice to see the look in Shane's eyes, it didn't have to be more than that.

Tom arrived soon after. We talked and laughed. Nobody makes me laugh like Perry does. We played music. We danced. We talked shit in the sun.

Suzy cracks me up to. She looks like she’d spend her days in the welfare office and in reality she has a doctorate in something and lectures at uni.

Christopher C is gorgeous. Always interesting. Dry funny.

D’s funny too. Always a story.

Shane came out and sat next to me as he rolled a j. We chatted and his attitude had seemed to change towards me, for the better. More interested. He sat with his legs up and that bulge was on full, glorious display. I sneaked sideways looks and was careful not to let him see me looking again, that just seemed tacky, you know, after he has had his fill.

Tom retired to Shane and Josh’s bedroom.

D and I left some time after midday, I wanted to see Manny. I should have stayed, as I didn’t see him until 10pm, instead of wasting my time in bed with porn for the afternoon. Oh well.

I went to bed pretty soon after I got home. The time went fast. I don’t know if I dozed, or if I just got into that quiet, still, space where one just stops and rests, without ever falling asleep - drifting in the haze. I don’t think I slept much.

I spoke to Manny around 7pm and he said he was leaving the house to go to Club 80, after which he was coming to my place, so he said. I told him just to come straight to my place.

Then I heard Ab and Rob arrived home, so I relaxed and must have drifted off to sleep. The next thing I saw was Manny’s handsome face smiling at me, his gorgeous eyes gazing down at me. I grabbed him and kissed him and pulled his clothes off.

Last Day of 2004

It’s 3am. I’m feeling bored and lonely and strangely unsettled. Off to New Year on my own. I guess that is good? I tried to keep it light and breezy for Josh, but I’m not feeling it. Blah! Everything feels blah! I’m not sure if it is meant to be like this? Like, what’s the point? Another year rolls away and I’m just coasting. Getting by. What does the next ten years hold in store? I don’t know. Not much, I guess, from where I’m sitting. Not much at all. Just the gradual decline. Slip…another generation gone to their graves. Life sucks!

This is the problem when I run out of dope! When I’m stoned I don’t care…when I’m not, I get to think too much and feel the need to do something to fill in the time.

D-day missy! How are you feeling? Like the Jesus and the sick walking, I bet you're okay. Hey?

christian

Miss.

I don't think I'm up to doing a dance party tonight.

Just too much I think.

Lying around at Perry's might be the best I can do.

Know anyone who wants a free ticket?

xTom

SMS. 12.38. (Tom) No pot for New Year! Not happy Jill! – christian

SMS. 14.31. Lots of love and happy New Year greetings xxx – Leah

SMS. 14.35. Happy, happy! Have a fantastic night! I know I will. Love to you – christian

SMS. 15.36. What time r u going to Perry and Wes’s? – christian

Tom called to say he didn’t know if he would be going anywhere.

I think Tom Has sussed out that sms’ for me, to him, are free. But for him they are not. (different plan) So now, often he will phone and not sms.

I got bored in the afternoon and decided that I should go to the gym. So, after much procrastinating I got there about 16.45, to be told that the gym closed at 17.00. Bugger!

So, I came home and decided that I should go for a bike ride. I walked my bike around to the servo to pump up the tyres, only to find the air-pump “temporarily out of order” again! Grrrr!

So, I went for a walk instead – through the Fitzroy gardens, past the MCG, past the tennis centre, and then along Batman Avenue, where a jogger in tiny little grey shorts and a fantastic arse inspired me to jog after him. He got too far ahead as we were heading toward Flinder’s Street, so I started to walk again. There were lots of kids in Birri wungmarr, all at some sort of Kiddies concert on the hill, with an annoying presenter carrying on about how many children were there. Right into Flinder’s Street, through the Treasury Gardens, through the Fitzroy Gardens – momentary contemplation about hunting for boys in the bushes – and then home.

I wonder if this was the reason I had sore feet later at the dance party. Or was it just the wrong shoes? Who can say?

SMS. 17.34. What cha doin’? – Leah

I tried to write a bit, but mostly I stared at the computer screen blankly.

SMS. 19.09. Dance party. Friends place for after party treats and spa, as the sun comes up. But I’m dateless, which will be different, but could be good too! Never know who I might meet? What r u up to? – christian

SMS. 19.12. Hayden’s wedding – noise – Leah

SMS. 19.13. (Tom) Feeling any better, enough to venture out? – christian

Tom called, sounding like shit, to say he was feeling worse not better.

SMS. 19.14. (Rachel) Happy new year! – christian

SMS. 19.16. and U 2! I am being a slack arse and staying at home about 2 cook a bbq and stir up some margaritas! Not in party girl mood – Rachel

SMS. 19.25. (Leah) Geeeelong? – christian

SMS. 19.25. U bet ya beepy – Leah

SMS. 19.25. Hello and hope your well. Hope you have a great new years, thinking of ya and will talk soon J xxx – Tom H.

SMS. 19.26. Oh and merry Christmas :o – Tom H.

SMS. 19.30. (Rachel) I’m off to a dance party then a friend’s place for a spa and more party treats. But I’m dateless which will be a bit odd – christian

SMS. 19.31. Not odd…fun! Gotta LOVE being single New Years Eve partying in a spa! Half yr luck, enjoy! Think of me when there is someone cute – Rachel

SMS. 19.32. Even the promise of putting my hand down Manny’s pants every hour couldn’t entice him to come dancing – christian

SMS. 19.32. I’ll be thinking of you as the sun comes up. What I’ll be able to see of it, hopefully – christian

SMS. 19.33. Boy slips his tongue down yr throat. Don’t think about me 4 2 long cos that would be a bit yuk! xxx – Rachel

SMS. 19.34. Got it! Unless his name is Andre, then I may not be able to help it – christian

SMS. 19.38. Actually, I have a pretty good visual of u, bleary eyes, sunrise, strange boy at yr side, smirk upon yr face! – Rachel

SMS. 19.40. BRING IT ON! – christian

SMS. 19.41. I once knew an Andre with a wanger this big! Very impressive! – christian

SMS. 19.43. May karma b at yr side and send u a man with an enormous dick, who has a hetro brother! Yve got my # – Rachel

SMS. 19.46. I’m still waiting for my new Italian b/friend called Nick. So think Nick thoughts for me! – christian

SMS. 19.46. I will now fuck off so I can get dinner cooked! xxx c u Sunday – Rachel

SMS. 19.49. I’ll get the straight bros # for u no matter what I have to do to get it. I reckon his name would be Tony (If you follow the Nick logic) – christian

SMS. 19.50. I am very appreciative! Think my tetchy tone is due 2 lack of good sex…big sigh! – Rachel

SMS. 19.51. Sad face – christian

SMS. 19.51. Cool, see you Sunday – christian

SMS. 19.51. (Jill) Happy New Year – christian

SMS. 19.56. (Tom H.) Happy, ho, ho, ho, merry new year! I was thinking about you all day yesterday. U have a great night! Have mega fun, it’s the night for it – christian

SMS. 20.02. (Tom H) I’m off to a dance party then off to Perry and Wes’s place for a spa and more party treats, to watch the sun come up. (Who’s son?) – christian

Rachel called me after this message to say that she got this message and that she thought that it should have gone to someone else. I tried to re-send her massage to Tom H, with a bit of editing, but ended up sending it to both of them.

SMS. 20.04. Does it matter, for as long as it’s not your…Oh and look out for those bubbles, they in straight to ya head J – Tom H.

SMS. 20.08. As long as he’s got big bubbles…hey! – christian

SMS. 20.13. (Rachel) Tom (H) got it too, you’ll be relieved to know – christian

SMS. 20.18. Nickie boy, happy New Year. I’m off out searching for cock. You have a great night. Love to u – christian

SMS. 20.24. U 2 sweetie – Nick

Aby and Rob had rearranged the house for their New Year’s Eve party. A couple of their friends, who I didn’t know, came and went. Jarrah and a friend arrived and we all drank Mango and strawberry daiquiris.

Aby, Rob and I shared my speed.

SMS. 23.06. Happy New Year to you too – love Jill

SMS. 22.53. Hey babe…I’m half way to trashville and just wanted to say happy fucking New Year sweetie. Big pash from me blessings 4 the new year – love Jude.

D called to say that he and Lesley were ready to leave. I told him that I had to have a shower and get dressed and I’d be ready in ten minutes and I was.

D and Lesley arrived to pick me up, so I was texting Jude as I got in the car.

SMS. 23.13. Happy fucking New Year. I’m off to a dance party. A bit pissed on daiquiris, a couple of lines passed driving, god love D for driving. Have a fantastic night! Love to u – Christian