christian
Fancy that Miss.
I'm seeing Msrimba this
arvo, then heading straight to Peter Mac for a "second opinion"...
I thought I'd go to your
place afterwards and spare myself the peak hour if that is cool with you :)
xT
That's cool with me.
Talk about
thick-headed... that's me not you, you understand.
Goodness, I really have
to stop and think before I do anything.
Mmmmm!
Mission accomplished! – I
guess.
christian
Yes I know you are
talking about you Miss.
I am not *that*
thickheaded myself today.
Went to bed early last
night even.
xT
Life’s
going by so fast. Scampering by. Is life getting boring, or is it just me? Life
begins at forty? Who is spreading that crock? The sadness of life has begun to
seep in by then, friends have begun to die. All that work, all of those shared
experiences, gone is someone who knew me for who I am and who I’ve been. A part
of me is truly taken at the same time. Gone is the exuberance of life, all
those wonders have been tasted and touched and experienced and I’ve got to
realise that it’s all shit. Too jaded to think straight, quite possibly. But
the world isn’t fair and it’s not run by nice people, let alone anyone with the
good of human kind in mind. Generally, the human race isn’t a nice bunch of
people.
I don’t
want to repeat the last twenty years, but with less fun and less friends and
less opportunities. It all actually seems down hill from here. No more chasing
butterflies, no more rolling down a hill in the long grass, no more billycarts,
no more being called a kid.
I miss it.
I want to go back to when I was eighteen and just do it all again. At least all
of that was real, as painful as it may have been. What’s a head…skim-milk
version of what I did before? I wouldn’t even be surprised if colour lost its
intensity, if words begun to seem hum-drum.
I don’t
think I’m having fun!
I want to
go back to 1982 and just stay at Swinburne and get it over and done.
I want to
go back to 1986, just with more confidence. It took me a long time to find my
feet, to get over the guilt of Leah. Robbie M and I could have been such good
friends.
I want to
go back to 86 when I was starting out in Fitzroy. I want to go back and have
that life, make better decisions, take my career more seriously. I want to make
better choices.
I’ve
fucked up my life. Just scraping by. Mediocre job. Struggling really.
Financially. Life’s a bit of a grind.
I know,
there are thousands of people who would love to be me. But I should have been
better. I should have been one of the elite, but I blew it. Now I feel fat and old
and mediocre. It’s not what anyone else thinks, its how I feel inside.
I went to
mum’s for dinner tonight, she said she couldn’t give me the thousand dollars
this month. Fuck, I thought! She’s just paid her tax. I said, okay. She said
that she would give it to me.
I should
be earning two hundred thousand and be on easy street. I had it all and pissed
it all away.
But the
worst part is that I think I am just becoming numb inside.
I have to
start practising my mantra again, I have a great life!
Tom said
to me tonight that he couldn’t quite believe he was here again. He’d been to
the Peter Mac for another opinion. I didn’t know what to say, it made me mute.
I should have said, neither can, I can’t believe it either. And I can’t. He was
supposed to be better.
Anything
else is too awful.
I don’t
want there to be a Christian that Tom doesn’t know. I don’t want to become
someone else, without him. I want to become someone else, anyone else, with him
around.
Life just
couldn’t be that unfair? It just couldn’t!
It’s been
unfair enough that I have had a sick Tom and not a well Tom up until this
point. Come on! Pick on someone else for a while!
Seen it a bit but they need to lift their
game...he's not that cute is he?? Or am I just getting old(er)?
Donuts were a
lovely thought thanks. Just as well 1/2 a dozen didn’t appear cos I was just in
the mood to eat them yesterday!!
Rachel
Perhaps,
you are getting old, me luv. Have another look at him. He’s been universally
admired.
christian
SMS. 18.17. Sorry no time 2 talk am in the
middle me cooking a roast chook & lemon delicious xxxx snigger snigger – Rachel
SMS. 18.19. Who asked u to talk, anyway? – christian
SMS. 18.19. J – Rachel
SMS. 18.21. 2 joints and I’m off to my mum’s
for dinner. Wish me luck – christian
SMS. 18.22. U r lucky those smoke & drive
rules no longer apply! Have fun – Rachel
SMS. 18.24. Since when? – christian
SMS. 18.25. Ummmm I thought they had done
away with them? Oh shit I don’t know – Rachel
SMS. 18.27. U stupid mole! – christian
SMS. 18.29. He, he, he! Why don’t u take yr
mum some hash cookies? Just a thought… might get the conversation going – Rachel
SMS. 19.16. Or not going, which is more
likely – christian
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