My Birthday

It was my birthday. I didn't tell anyone at work, except at the very end when Rebecca asked me if I was going to the country for the weekend.

Mark and Luke cooked me dinner. Luke cooked, Mark helped.

David, Shane and Matt gave me presents.

Jeff came over late, looking as handsome as ever. I've always had a secret crush on Jeff, which I've never told anyone one about... except, Tom, of course. Suddenly, I feel numbingly sad... my first birthday without him. Birthdays were always Tom's thing. In true Tom style, when he told me about his failing kidneys a month ago, he said that he just wanted to make it to his birthday, 21st Dec, before he had to really think about it...

We had chocolate cake with candles in front of the open fire. I blew them all out in one puff and everybody cheered. Funny little tradition, hey?

Jeff puffed on the joint. Raymond is still interstate, due in Melbourne in a few days. I wanted to sleep with Jeff. I thought it would be a nice birthday present.

Of course, I didn't. I kissed him sweetly and wished him good night.

There is something identical about Jeff and me, uncannily alike. It turned the two of us on, once. Narcissistically so. It was like having sex with myself, there for a time, with Jeff.

David gave me a marijuana DVD, Magic or Madness. I'm a Liver Yang type, clearly. Shane and Matt gave me the first two seasons of Weeds. Is there a theme here?

Shane and Matt went to the Laird. Jeff went home, as did Mark and Luke. David went to bed. I smoked a joint by myself, in front of the open fire and thought of Tom.

Here's to you buddy, for changing my life for the better. I miss you.

I staggered off to bed, after 1am and woke up at day break with my laptop whirring away next to me on the bed. It is going to lead to tears, I thought. I can just tell.