Oh, I nearly got kicked out of the caravan park before I even claimed my bed.

You see, I got there late, 5'ish, so I just drove right in and parked next to the front gate. I was met by Shane, Sebastian and Nick with an inverted Frisbee holding four glasses of champagne, straight from the cute straight boy from a local winery who they were, well... four pissed gay boys and a cute, blushing, smiling, straight, handsome barman, who, in my humble opinion was not hating the attention. They took me to meet him, for more champagne, of course. He said he thought that he was going home to sit in the shower after the things my lot had said to him, which prompted comments that he was just scared he'd want to drop the soap... you get it, he'd been their target all day. They were rotten.

We walked around a bit, taking in the sights. Why do the men who make the ugliest woman get tempted to put on a frock? I'll never know. Then Baba came on and we'd run out of champagne, so out came the premixed vodka in gym water bottles. Baba were great - champagne, vodka, anything was great - and the picnic finished as the gorgeous sunshine just started to turn yellow, to the dulcet tones of Dancing Queen. You were expecting?

I had to move my car closer to the caravan. It was all over. People were streaming out of the grounds, everyone was trying to leave. I followed a line of traffic at about 2 kilometres per hour, with my mates walking up ahead. When they disappeared out of sight, I stopped, seeing them walking in the caravan park driveway, all of about 50 metres. I turned hard onto the gravel driveway and drove behind them, with them walking just in front of my car, leading me to a car spot directly in front of all of us.

Our caravan site was around the corner, hidden in a very secluded spot, surrounded by cypress trees. Welcome to the Chateau, they all said. Followed by something about j's.

Suddenly, there was a lank-haired, blond standing looking at me, in some sort of tacky uniform, nylon I'd guess, pointing her finger.

"Listen here mate, you watch the way you drive around here, we've got children around here."

"I'm sorry?" I was completely taken aback. "I don't know what you are talking about?"

"The small white car up there, is that yours?"

"Yes," I said.

"Did you just arrive?"

"Yes," I said.

"Watch the way you drive, okay!" Still pointing the finger.

Well, I wasn't having any of this rubbish. "I didn't drive like any thing," I hear myself say. At which point, all my mates were shutting me down, telling me to be quiet.

She asked if that meant extra people were staying. Blah, blah. Then she turns her evil eye back to me.

Well, I felt shut down and defamed. "How exactly do you think I drove?" I say.

"Do you want to leave?" she says. At which point, five gay boy's hands were slapping my back, yet again, telling me to be quiet and reassuring her that I would be kept under control.

Want to leave, I thought? You chicken. It's a bit early in the conversation for 'do you want to leave.' I wanted to discuss the issue. I'd been - falsely - accused and I wanted to defend myself.

However, when a chorus of your closest friends are telling you to hush now, you should take notice. Deep down, it strikes a cord you cannot deny. But I wasn't going down completely out gunned.

I looked the queen of the lime green synthetic polo in the eye and said, "Look, whatever it is that you imagined that I did, I unreservedly apologise and it certainly won't happen again."

A chorus of slaps and hushes once again. I think she called me a smart arse, which was followed by more assurances.

Nick slipped around and placated her even more, unbeknownst to me, which I chose not to think about, even if I did feel the slightest bit miffed, initially, when they all told me.

I'm sure I was being perfectly reasonable. I was happy to discuss the issue she had raised. I come from a group of men who have a particular gene trait of wanting to discuss things endlessly. My mates all agreed that I was being aggressive.

The truth of the matter was that I was probably too pissed to carry the discussion of eloquently enough to win it. I mean, "I didn't drive like any thing?" Not one of the finest lines in the moot. My brain was fuzzy.

Oh, don't you start! You sound like Mark. I only moved my car from one part of the grounds to another. No public roads were driven on, no small children lost their lives in the process, I didn't get above 5 kilometres an hour, I didn't drive more than 100 metres, 200 maybe. I didn't think I was too pissed at the time to do it. I wouldn't have if I had. When I drove into the caravan park drive way my mates were walking directly in front of the car. What? They all did a 50 metre dash?

I reckon, when I turned hard into the driveway, from a stationary position my front wheels spun on the gravel, it's a front wheel drive car and it is that, I think, she heard. I don't think she saw me at all, because if she had she would have known she was wrong.

It was the reason for the 'do you want to leave' trump card being played so swiftly. I could sense doubt in her and she clearly wasn't a woman who liked to lose an argument, especially when she'd made such a public display of my reprimand. Can you imagine what sort of hard-arse moles are needed to run caravan parks, dealing with the cheapest form of such an intimate need of the general public?

The boys asked me to go around to the caravan shop to buy water this morning. I marched off, well, truthfully, I still haven't put shoes on today, so it was probably a little more reserved than a march, but you get my mood. I was going to have a go at her, when I was sober, coming down like a sailor after rec leave, but sober none the less. I wanted to finish it, start it, finish what I wasn't allowed to finish earlier. But, only if she'd said something. She would have had to have started it. If she'd said nothing, I wasn't going to either. But, if she'd given me the opening... I gather it was her husband behind the counter.

When I relayed that small fact to Shane tonight, he put his face in his hands and said that we'd all have got banned, if I had.