Hetero-Land Was Fun – Not That Hetero Of Course...

Hey Christian,

Hetero-land was fun – not that hetero of course...

The best man is without doubt the gayest man I have ever met – campest anyway.

He is also married to Chris' sister Lisa, who is a most unhappy lady, and he also lives at a mine site11 months of the year.

I asked him what he did at the mine, and he said "I give $5 blow jobs in the toilets".

I said, "You know I'm believing you, don't you?"

And he said "But, A-ha!  I charge ten dollars!!"

Most strange.

Nice guy, but very very strange.

Otherwise, the whole family had a really good time, so good that one of the “other side of the family” had a small heart attack and needed to be carted away by ambulance.

As I was watching those proceedings, somehow all my family members disappeared to their cars and homes, not one of them thinking to find me to say goodbye, or just thinking of me at all, really.

So, when the unlucky cardiac left, I went back inside to find everyone gone.

I caught a cab home, absolutely fuming, and only through sheer force of character did I manage to lose my black mood.

"For just once, I would like to taste something that hasn't been rolled in shit" I may have been heard to say, about my great night at Caro's wedding.

Oh well, I never said I wasn't a drama queen.

My speech went down a treat – short, honest, romantic and sweet – while the best man's was very funny but far too clever for most of us dimwit second geno's.

"What was he going on about?" many muttered.

A more florid string of adjective-laden anecdotes I rarely heard, Christian.

Fred was in full stride in his 15th minute when the orchestra swelled and he was forced to thank his lawyer and the Academy and get the hell off the stage...

"When I met Gina as a boy..." was where he had got up to.  Oh ell, at least Caro knows he loves her.

The dancing was great, the photos have turned out brilliantly – non-gay brother in law took em.  A more sober, grumpy family member has never been seen, so lacking in family connection that I overlooked his presence and, when the bestie left the honeymoon suite to check on his wife and kids, I blurted out "What's with the gay brother in law Brother" to Chris, only to have him ask, "Which one!" and Caro to screech "Shut up Tom!"

I did shut up, but then Chris sombrely mused, "You know, that actually explains everything".

I replied, "I can't believe you can't tell he's gay" to which the photographer interjected "But we aren't gay".

I shut up again after that.

So, a night was had by all.

And, what of you Miss?

Tom

Miss

I can hear myself laughing out loud like Bette Davis a couple of days before she died. How many cigarettes?

You clearly did the better speech, as we were taught in writer's school... the adjective is the enemy of the good writer – so, I guess, it is only a small leap to the speaker.

Goodness me! Family gatherings, god love 'em.

And me? I decided yesterday that I just couldn't be the techno dweeb that I clearly am and decided it was high time that I got those stupid photos out of my stupid camera. So after one thing and another I did just that, with the help of a lovely man from Nokia. It was kind of spooky though. He kinda said my name like a computerised voice. Christian, how's it going? How can I help you, Christian? I was speaking to HAL 9000, I tell you. It said, Christian, in almost the same way.

How are you going Christian?

What’s happening Christian?

HAL 9000 kind of overtones of an American accent.  Just a bit. Around the edges, so there you go.

And how depressing it was getting my camera working. I look so old, in gay terms I think that means about 1000 years old. Soon I'll be a just corpse.

“There’s no one here at the Motel but me and my mother up at the house.”

“Thank you Norman, you have been a great help.”

But I did put my face on gaydar for all to see. I'm sure I'll just be appealing to the fifty to seventy age group, however.

christian

Christian,

Yeah laughs were had by all...

Christian, u don't look old, you look young for your age.

Now, if you were asking my advice re: a touch up, and I don’t think you need anything, I would say that a little touch or tuck around ya eyes wouldn’t hurt a bit...

That’s the only part that's lined...

Your bod actually looks very young for your age That day I kept blurting "you look alright" is that because you get down on yourself, I think I expected sags and wrinkles and folds and fats...

You don’t look bad at all, and in fact you have lovely skin.

So there you go Mister – as honest as I can give it.

And good on ya for having a face pic.

Ciao!

Tom

Of course, I’m a year younger than you said.

christian

Oops. J

Tom

SMS. 19.51. Guess what? I’m going 2 b a gran in about 5 months – Kym

SMS. 19.53. Is that good? – christian

SMS. 20.22. Well as long as I don’t have 2 bring it up I don’t suppose it’s 2 bad. 2 b honest I don’t know how I feel… xcept it was fairly predictable – Kym

SMS. 23.17. Remind me to ask u about clamydia – christian

SMS.23.17. Ask away! – Tom

SMS. 23.19. In person – christian