Anthony

It was one short, shinny summer, where everything glowed, everything was touched by a faint whiff of gold. Feet had stepped passed the front door of youth and not gotten broken, or snapped off, or damaged. I had a good job, a house with no mortgage, a great group of friends, life was free and life was easy. Days developed into long lunches, just naturally.

I'd escaped to London, did the year away thing. Rachel suggested it, "Let's see the world?" I'd just finished uni. I don't think I had any idea of what I was going to do, not consciously aware of the changes I was going to have to make, although I must have. I split up with my girlfriend, Leah, before I left. We just got talking one night and then it was over and I was on an aeroplane. I cried like a baby, as it took off. I think it was my old life I knew I was leaving behind.

Rachel and I spent the year together; neither of us had sex with anyone. I think of that as really fucken odd now, but I know at the time, I never gave it a second thought. I never gave sex a thought. I think it must have been a mental purge for me, or something?

When I came back. I'd bought a house. I kept sleeping with my exgirlfriend, it was just sex. Comforting, loving, no strings attached sex, just because we liked doing it with each other. The swan-song of the perfect couple. It was then that I had my first, real, definable, thought about being gay. Well, that wasn't my first gay thought, but it was the first time I stopped and thought, I'm gay. I had to actually come out and say it. You see, I'd made a promise to myself that I couldn't have sex with Leah, once I started having sex with men, I owed her that much, we didn't practise safe sex together.

So, I remember that moment coming when I had to make the shift, the switch, change over to the other side.

Alex was before Leah. Shhhh. During Leah. The beginning. Alex ended as Leah started. It's the one thing I have never told her, even though she asked me straight out. Not about Alex, she has no idea, but if there had been any men during our time. And there weren't, never, except Alex. But he doesn't count, he came first, after all.

I'm sure I was the picture of a bright eyed seventeen year old virgin, with my baby face, when Leah and I met and floated away on each other's smiles, nothing else in the world mattering one little bit. She was beautiful and I loved her, that's what I remember.

It was about a year after that, my first year down in gay world. I had a house mate, Jonathon Lilly, who had a groovy boyfriend, Andrew. I'd dabbled with guys at sex clubs, but I hadn't actually come out and admitted it to anyone. I was escaping from a gay household to have clandestine sex with men at sex on premises venues. You figure it out?

That summer was long and beautiful. The nights warm. Everything was new and shiny. The music pulsed to beats I'd never heard before. I tasted freedom, I'd not known before; the world was so full of so many men. My head spun, my appetite never waned for it.

Then in walked Anthony. Seemingly shy, shiny, handsome, glowing, well spoken, golden blond, gorgeous. And my head spun even harder.

(Ed note – Anthony looked a bit like Alex, now that I think about it. Funny, I've never thought that before?)

His South African accent only noticeable when he was within ear shot of his mother. Adorable.

Of course, I knew nothing. And all the things I had learned about love, useless. If he said he was going, he did. Boys acted differently. He never called. He doesn't care. But for one, glorious summer, my head spun and I glowed when I saw him. I could actually feel it in me when he approached. We were the world’s most perfect pups, although I don't think either of us thought that at the time. We were just reaching out, pushing out, finding our way, finding someone we liked.

We had a fun adventure together; completely clueless, come here, go away, do I like him, yes I do, first adult love, completely unrequited, kind of relationship. We learned how boy's work, well, I did.

Pretty soon after that, I met Mark and my whole universe changed forever. It was like I didn't come home one night, as Jonathon Lilly used to say.

It was Mark who got us back together again, being friends, eventually. The first time I saw Anthony out one night, unexpectedly, I fell apart. Mark said, If he has that effect on you, he's obviously important to you. Mark got us together again.

But when we first met, Anthony and I, it was shiny and it was new and my guy was real cute.

That's how we all got to be friends, all of us, we were either boyfriends or sex. It's a good way to meet people. We just hung around with each other afterwards, because we all liked each other. We collected. We all bought a friend to the family.

Tom had a fling with Anthony, in the very beginning, although they both denied it afterwards.

Anthony was quick, mentally agile. And one of the funniest people I have ever met. Razor sharp. Dry as. He's one of the few people who has "got" me, from the beginning, every time.

He took to all the things, dope, speed, e's, mda, acid, a boy should be able to take to in his twenties and still come out the other side, relatively unscathed. A better person for the experience, even. He took to it with great gusto, like the rest of us.

He ended up thinking there were video cameras in the light bulbs and that we were all talking about him, as soon as he left the room. We ended up making him unhappy because of it, he thought we were all in on it, some giant conspiracy. Everything ended up making him unhappy. He withdrew quietly, as only Anthony would.

Anthony was a great bloke. One of the very best. A lifelong friend, gone in his thirties.